Another - Bended Not Shaken
The Reality Fable...
Once upon a time – they all live happily ever after…
And this believe it or not pretty well sums up our collective grasp on the reality of second marriages with children – otherwise known as the Blended-Family. Because, even now, we still expect to “live happily ever after” across the street from The Brady Bunch.
With this mindset we inadvertently set ourselves up for unrealistic expectations based upon the same parameters of the typical first marriage.
When I walked down the aisle in 1972 there was just the usual Damsel in Distress, with Prince Charming. There were no children, no old girlfriends demanding financial restitution, or former boyfriends seeking regular visitation time with our pets.
Original marriages begin relatively unencumbered in that each partner arrives without a great deal of [court ordered] baggage. There may be a wee hint of an old flame or two - perhaps a sibling we still believed was dad’s favorite, or the memory of a former teacher who announced in front of the entire fourth grade that you’d never learn to add without using all of your fingers…
Then again, perhaps Charming’s mother cooks everything from scratch [complete with fruit trees and herb garden] but Damsel has problems with the glued tab on a box of dry cereal. Or – Damsel’s father could repair anything developed by NASA, but for Charming the mechanics of a can opener remain a mystery.
No matter. On our first matrimonial sojourn the faces of old flames fade. We set aside any perceptions of parental favoritism, because we now have one person to focus on us exclusively. [Memories of that fourth-grade teacher many not be so easy.]
Anyway, that aside, except for a possible in-law factor only two people are in serious contention when first we roll the dice.
Basically, it’s a one-to-one relationship. One marriage, one house, one set of children, one group of grandparents, one collection of memories with one congregation of friends… You get the picture.
Everything we do the first time is for the first time, with one purpose – to ultimately grow old together as our preconditioning dictates. When that momentum forward is derailed by a divorce everyone is thrown onto unfamiliar ground.
A divorce is not an unemotional event because the original wedding was not an unemotional event. If a marriage was more like a business merger, then all original motives would be clearly spelled out on paper, signed in ink – instead of verbal promises, sealed with a kiss.
Divorce, with children changes everything [almost] forever.
“Until death us do part.” is between remarrying parents and all offspring and that pivotal factor continues to link us to a previous spouse, former in laws and other family members. Why? Because - our children didn’t divorce anyone…
When I ventured down the aisle again in 1990 there was a substantial cast of extras. Besides Hero and Damsel, the line-up included: his three children [one who later joined us on our delayed honeymoon] and my two children. There was his ex-wife who still expected child support, my ex-husband who still expected child visitation, as well as the usual feature lineup of new grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends stirred in with the original set of grandparents, relatives and old friends. Not even the cast of BEN-HUR had that kind of duplication!
Literally speaking only three of our [blended] five offspring were present at the actual ceremony and certainly neither of the ex-spouses attended. However, everyone ‘was and still’ is very much a part of our lives and that, is the central detour between the private calm of our first matrimonial union and the near convention like setting of round two [or three].
The reality of our second time at bat is not dealing with duplicate appliances or garden equipment – it is the multiple surnames and addresses, an abundance of grandparents, numerous parents, an array of children with a profusion of additional relatives and friends. It is fielding holidays you may or may not share together, because his children are present while hers are with their father.
Remarriage is rescheduled vacations re-juggled, rearranged, or cancelled completely because one ex-spouse is late returning with one set of children while another ex-spouse won’t allow the children to leave when it’s convenient for you – because it really isn’t convenient for them… And these hurdles are truly quite minor.
………
When Barbara married Adam each of them had sole custody of the biological children from their first marriage. Barbara had two boys eight and ten years old. Adam, whose first wife was a recovering alcoholic, also had a son, who was nine.
Barbara and Adam were both in their late thirties, professionally well respected and emotionally present for their children. When they met, they had a vision of forming a new family that would begin to heal long smoldering, sensitive wounds.
They expected that Adam’s withdrawn son would begin to emerge from his closed emotional shell with two brothers close to his age and a mother figure who was not only sober, but involved.
They hoped Barbara’s older son would become less hostile, exposed to the patient, more stable example Adam could bring to the new home.
Barbara’s boys almost missed the wedding ceremony because their dad claimed he had marked the wrong date on his calendar.
Settling in Adam and Barbara tried to arrange for all three boys to visit their respective biological parents on the same weekend, twice each month, so they could look forward to some private time. However…
About two months into Adam and Barbara’s new marriage Barbara’s ex-husband suddenly married a girlfriend, ten years his junior. After he returned from his honeymoon [and for three years thereafter] he functioned in a pattern of missed child support payments, usually arrived late to pick up the boys, often cancelled at the last minute, or didn’t show up at all claiming, business pressures.
Also, a few months into Adam and Barbara’s new marriage, Adam’s ex-wife was discharged from rehabilitation then she petitioned the court to get sole custody of their son. She was granted joint custody, but soon started drinking again. Adam had to return to court to request full custody once more
, but this time also seeking supervised visitation to protect his son.
Remember The Brady Bunch?
Well – they had [besides a live in housekeeper] a script to follow, while the rest of us are pretty well working without a net…
MY NOTES
· Re-marriage [with children] is an entirely altered ‘landscape’;
· Re-marriage means an actual increase in the number of people involved in your life, right down to the lawyers;
· Re-marriage is heightened emotional, legal and financial realities;
· Re-marriage can mean major spiritual rigors that test your ‘wits’ almost every - single - day…