Another - Blended Not Shaken
"Mom! Your Date's Here!"...
While standing before the minister in 1972 – if Nostradamus himself had tapped me on the shoulder and predicted that one of my future - as yet unborn children would so delicately yell those very words up to me from the bottom of our main floor stairs – I would have considered the famous seer as off balanced.
Tea leaf reading aside – eighteen years later, there I was.
I might as well have been Rip-Van-Winkle waking up after eighteen years to a singles/dating world that had altered, much. During and the years following high school the process of dating had always been a type of social-root-canal for me.
In my early twenties the flush of excitement that came with meeting someone new had always been more nerve-racking than thrilling. I much preferred reaching the ‘comfort’ level of a relationship. The level where the anticipation is still there, but your date is no longer such an unknown. This is quite unrealistic most of the time. However, that’s just me.
By the time ‘I’ got to university the pill - was an amazing medical breakthrough that liberated the guys as much as the girls they chased. But I was from an era where the dating dos and don’ts were firmly rooted. Not just by parents but also health class and our Home Economics teacher. During my high school years, we had a Hom-Ec teacher who coached ‘her girls’ in the art of walking with a book on their head for proper posture. We learned how to measure for a bra to fit properly… Strange but true – let’s move on.
Medical science had physically liberated my generation of female, but mentally the face of that high school Home Economics teacher loomed wide in my subconscious.
As the years went by, I married, had children then watched as a number of friends or family members divorced, dated and remarried. And honestly, I didn’t pay much attention to them, but I was pretty well drained after my divorce, and I knew it.
How we deal with our separation and divorce is as unique as how we deal with other forms of stress, like losing a job, discovering a serious illness, moving, etc...
Any romantic level of a relationship requires a greater energy and focus than we realize. And I watched in amazement as a number of my friends began dating before the ink was dry on their separation agreements – never mind their final divorce decree.
Nevertheless, and here is a really, really, really important point. When/if you have spent time to recover, [and helped your kids to recover] and you finally feel strong enough to ‘get-out-there’ – be sure who you date has also done the same homework.
· If you discover the person, you are dating is still, emotional, angry, bitter and/or still verbally bashing an ex-spouse – then this person has not dealt with old unresolved issues.
Dating someone who has not given themselves time, their children time or sought some help to do so – will pull you into their drama and undo everything you have worked to resolve. Therefore, I strongly suggest that you graciously, but firmly and swiftly retreat.
Some of my friends or coworkers went in another direction - they never saw anyone beyond three dates. There was a movie, or a night bowling, or a day skiing or dinner – then onto someone else. From the circle of those I knew well or worked with, they were deliberate about their ‘three dates you’re out’ rule.
They went through people like tissue during flu season, dating someone new each week. Weary coward that I was this method of avoidance-involvement by divorced ‘walking-wounded’ was still too much effort. I dodged even attempting to date to the point that it became a joke with my two children.
One night at dinner, Gail [then 13] looked across the table at her younger brother [Patrick then 10] and said, “You know, I’ll probably have a date before Mom does.”
At which point both of these people to whom I had given ‘life’ - laughed out loud.
Then they looked at me, still giggling.
I scowled at them, and we continued eating.
A few minutes later Patrick started to chuckle then burst out laughing, with such force, he physically slid from his chair. Gasping for air to compose himself he got up on his knees just high enough to see over the top of the table.
Looking at his sister as if I wasn’t there, he said, “You know what? I’ll probably have a date before Mom does!”
At which they both laughed and laughed and laughed, gulping air through streams of tears. They considered my social life so absurdly hysterical.
However, that moment told me a great deal. It told me my children had begun to heal from the rift between their father and me. It told me they saw me as a separate being from them and their dad.
And here is another really, really, really important point. My kids’ good-natured ribbing told me they were ready to allow someone else into my life, and theirs.
When our children have had sufficient time to adjust to what they have lost, they may be able to tell us in subtle, or not so subtle ways [like my children]. Some signs are:
· Our children tease us or joke about dating;
· Our children attempt to pair us with casual friends;
· Our children look forward to visits from friends of the opposite sex;
· Our children begin to form comfortable attachments to friends of the opposite sex;
· Our children respond openly and without resentment to friends of the opposite sex who stop by.
The most effective way we can accomplish our successful reemergence into the dating mainstream is to wait until everyone’s mourning completes its’ cycle.
Our children didn’t participate with any decision-making aspect of choosing to divorce. They had no say at all in the changes that forced them to live without one parent most of the time or half-time with each parent. And more often than not they were forced to accept this general upheaval that landed in their life, as a complete surprise.
We may be relived with the decision to divorce. Our ex-spouse may be relieved, but our children will be forever changed.
Now - that ‘change’ can either be years of continuous turmoil that remains a deep mentally debilitating scar – or – the ‘change’ can afford our children opportunities for personal growth experiences they might not otherwise have had.
The catch – and a major element that I keep repeating is that one scenario requires more [mature] effort on the part of the parents in their life.
This is no time for shortcuts.
So, while you’re seeking a way to heal – how do you help your children to heal as well?
· Daily dialogue that’s positive. Touching base with your children is critical for the first three to six months after the initial separation. That time could be while you’re getting dinner ready together and sharing your day, and/or while playing a board game, and/or spend a little more time just before bed when everyone’s cozy in their PJs.
· If the issues between you and your ex-spouse are hotly debated – do not – share them with your children or even within ear shot of your children. Keep a journal and vent on paper. [More on that later.]
· Do not expect or ask your children, neighbors, friends or other family to take sides. You made the decision to dissolve your marriage. No one else is divorcing except you. So, keep much of your gunky, goopy details private.
Merging our time with our children’s time creates a connection of trust that allows candor to emerge. We are revealed to our children and who our children are becoming, is revealed to us.
Looking ahead – twelve months from now seems a long way off. Looking back, over the last twelve months it seems to have gone by quickly. When, we look back our perception of ‘time’ changes.
Once your time is right, dating someone who is divorced, with children may be one of your greatest tests and also one of your most gratifying experiences. But understand that attempting to make a new marriage work between divorced or widowed adults, with hostile offspring will feel like trying to walk up hill on ice. Three steps forward and two back.
There is a classic ‘date-meets-children’ in the [original] movie Yours Mine And Ours, with Lucille Ball and Henry Fonda. The eldest son of Henry Fonda’s character is asked to mix a light orange juice and vodka for dad’s guest played by Lucille Ball. But the older son mixes a double, and when no one is looking the second son adds rum, then a third son adds gin.
Lucille Ball’s character wishing to be accepted by all his children - downs every drop of the vile alcohol-medley without complaint, but it makes her sick. To the inexperienced that scene may appear exaggerated – it’s not. When two adults believe they understand their feelings for each other are genuine – there is a reason for encountering open or covert opposition:
· Give the offspring some benefit... It’s true that one day the children will grow up to live their own lives – however we still need to guide that growth while respecting some of their input.
· Still - don’t - rush... The kids could be picking up on some aspect of your date’s character that you missed.
· Don’t try too hard with your date’s offspring... Children seem to ‘spot’ a sucker pretty fast and they could be tempted to ‘work-you’.
· Arrange to take the kid[s] out one at a time…To divide and conquer is a proven business and military strategy, but even better is the real opportunity to get to know each child and they you.
· Waiting, if you’re serious about their parent gives you greater credibility…No one is suggesting walking away from an opportunity for a great relationship, however the children of your love interest may still be a little leery.
With children co-raised by someone we don’t know [also depending on the circumstances of the divorce] and the relationship the offspring may or may ‘not’ have with the absent biological parent – their ability to trust easily could be lacking.
In our culture of ‘instant’ almost everything: just add water and stir; microwave for 30 seconds; or drive-up windows-to-go for banking, dry cleaning, and food – people are getting lost. Microchip technology can complete a task in a nanosecond – but our primitive, Homosapien emotional-brain doesn’t contain that same nanosecond ‘chip’.
But we try. We do almost everything too quickly and the very tasks that could/should slow us down and give us cause to pause – we too often discard. We don’t plant a vegetable garden yet complain about the quality and price of fresh produce.
We expect the education system to be all knowing and all-encompassing in the lives of our children, but we can’t seem to participate or volunteer then defensively take the side of our children when they need the lessons that learning consequences for actions would bring.
We eat too quickly then need antacids.
We send emails or comment on Facebook instead of calling or physically mailing a letter.
When we’ve eaten too much creating weight, blood pressure, blood sugar, heart and kidney health issues - we see a doctor, then seek quick fix medication.
We complain that the government takes far too much of our money for taxes, but we expect the “government to do something about everything that annoys us…” America doesn’t have road-rage as much it has life-rage.
More and more and more software, apps and links on new electronic gadgets do not free up more time for us to relax – they free up more time for us to tune into more electronic gadgets.
In terms of original families this toll is a high negative, but for the divorced dating parent or remarrying parent these cultural habits create relationship voids. By virtue of its natural state, the blended-family comes with several additional ‘for-worse’ landmines, to challenge, even the prepared.
Sooo, before you hitch that cart [second marriage] to any horses [new partner and children] take a long – slow – deep – breath then re-read this book at least to this page.
MY NOTES…
· If you wish to date again, if you wish to remarry again then begin your re-entry by going on a ‘date’ with your kids first;
· When every-one is ready then everything will be ready;
· There’s no App for a hug so go back to being hands on and personal with your kids;
· Keep your days as simple as possible and remember – if the electricity goes out, we still need a candle…
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