Another - Blended Not Shaken

Birth disOrder...

Have you ever puzzled over some indefinable behavior changes among the various children living in your blended family without the ability to pinpoint any source for these changes?

Perhaps you noticed behavior differences that fluctuate particularly when all of your offspring are together – then morph again when they are apart?

You may need to look for the cause of any obscure behavior in a rather surprising corner – birth order.

The order in which we were born in original families has been afforded a great deal of study by sociologists, psychologists and psychiatrists – lots and lots of professionals for many, many decades.

But I couldn’t find any studies addressing this important blended-family dynamic.  However, this chapter was a light bulb moment in the 1st edition of my book that helped a West Coast family therapist and an East Coast court appointed child advocate.

In the blended-family original birth order gets re-shuffled and re-dealt more than a deck of cards in Atlantic City.

Because of the instantaneous shift in the original birth-rank when divorced parents remarry some rather interesting behavior emerges and reemerges. It’s one more adjustment [and cause for stress] our children must make.

But without the blended-family a birth-reorder-shift wouldn’t typically be allowed to play out - as our children grow to adulthood in any other form.

Be forewarned that while the ‘shift’ – as in small earthquake – with evolving adjustments completes its’ cycle, blended-parents may find the personalities of their children making sudden emotional left-turns, without signaling…

When the seven of us married in 1990, my daughter Gail had previously lived as a first-born for fifteen years. My son Patrick had lived as the youngest for twelve years Reid was Keith’s eldest at twenty-four, Paul [Keith’s second son] had lived as the ‘middle-child’ for twenty-two years and David at eighteen, had been the youngest of Keith’s three.

The adjustment that occurs in a new birth order may be obvious, subtle, or show itself in periodic eruptions from a source on which you can’t quite put your finger. The core-family [the house in which everyone lives] exhibits the greatest personal changes to each individual offspring with lesser, but lasting changes occurring within their peripheral-family [the one they visit].

By remarrying, Keith and I altered all of our original family dynamics. Because Reid lived on his own, Paul became our household eldest. David slid into second place. Gail once in first position was now our blended third child [and only girl] with Patrick still the youngest, but even further down the ladder at number five.

Patrick who had previously lived with only women now had more allies, but also more competition. Usually alone on center stage as the family clown – in the new house he had to share the limelight. His new-older-brother Paul was as quick with one-liners as he was.

After Keith and I married it was more difficult for Patrick to have much in the way of sole distinction unless we went to hear him play his alto-sax with the school band, or it was his parent-teacher night.

David slid into second place, somewhat relieved he was no longer considered ‘the-baby’. He was quiet and reserved, not one to elbow his views to the forefront. When he spoke up, he carefully picked his openings at the dinner table – when he could.

If he wasn’t fast the opportunity to give much input during any of our meals was somewhat like a game-show-contest. The conversation was generally dominated by the chattier ones and our typical guests.

Gail had been accustomed to being first in line with little competition, when discussing her typical school day. Initially she was overwhelmed by the arrival of older [big] brothers and a swift reversal from a female dominated house to a distinctly male dominated house.

The seats were left up on every toilet. Teasing now came from three directions, not just one. They took up a great deal of space. They ate incredible amounts of food. And even worse, when the boys at school discovered she had four brothers [three living at home] her dates were few and far between.

Paul, who had been the classic ‘middle-child’ in his original family assumed the rank of eldest, becoming protective and sometimes slightly more in-charge on occasion than the others thought necessary.

In 1993, when Paul moved out on his own David assumed the position of the older offspring in our house. Gail became the middle-child having learned to hold her own in the male fray. Patrick was still our youngest, but now only behind by two and once again our solo stand-up comedy act.

In 1994 Keith accepted a two-year consulting contract to work in Europe. We had to live on the Island of Cyprus – where the company office was registered. That left us with two options: take Patrick with us, or he could return to Canada to finish his high school in Calgary, Alberta, living with his biological father.

Patrick opted for Canada as much to seek one on one time with his father – as a deep inner need to be part of a household, significantly less crowded. With that choice, instantly Patrick went from youngest to the status of ‘only-child’.

However, his sibling-sabbatical soon went in an unexpected direction when his father’s new relationship turned serious. Between, his high school year of eleven and twelve, Patrick abruptly found himself as big brother to two much younger sisters. The girls, fascinated by nearly everything he did sought his attention when he was home, whether he had friends with him or not.

Meanwhile ‘back-at-the-ranch’ Gail and David were left to co-manage the Colorado household on their own as a freshman and junior in college, respectively.

Because they [both] at various times had the responsibility that goes with the ‘job-description’ of first-born the house was in perfect working order when we returned 1996. Any philosophical problems they had with a difference in approach – they worked out between themselves – by themselves. [The U.S. Congress might want to take notes?]

Anyway…

Because the roles of the offspring hierarchy in our blended-family changed for a year or longer – the experiences for the kids living in this various birth altered positions – changed each of them significantly. So much so that what evolved were four individuals who to this day exhibit traits and tendencies [to a greater or lesser degree] from each of the classic birth-order ranks.

In my sister’s family, her stepson was an only child when visiting my sister and his father for weekends and holidays, with sole focused attention. However, he was the eldest of three, living with his mother and stepfather during the week with the responsibility that looking after two younger siblings required.

Keith’s older brother had four [of eight] still at home with an even more unusual twist. Two of the remaining offspring were in grade twelve, sharing the rank of eldest. And two were in ninth grade, sharing the place of youngest. They reacted much like two sets of fraternal twins.

Birth dis-order is also relevant with regard to the size of the new family unit. By that I mean being the eldest of two is less demanding that the eldest of five. Conversely when you’re the youngest of only two instead of five, you’re less likely to find when it’s finally your turn to shower there is still both shampoo and hot water.

I think what this may mean for a significant wave of generations to come is this: because of the blended-family our culture could reap the benefits [or not] of children exposed to birth-order patterns that are not set for life, they’re actually fluid. 

Re-shaping the birth-order list, that once seemed set without repeal, poses and interesting question. Will these young people by virtue of the automatic blended-family birth reshuffle arrive at their adult-destinations far more emotionally equipped to both appreciate and take on a broader variety of adult roles? Or – will they arrive more confused…?

Step-Sibling Rivalry 

And mixed in with the birth order shuffle we have some other fun-stuff orbiting within the blended galaxy. You knew this had to be there somewhere.

It’s not easy assisting in the development of peace and cohesion among/between our various blended offspring – who tend to collide more often than not like meteorites falling through space…

·         Show Only Calm: their differences are not as much of an issue as the source of those differences. And how you approach the situation may equip each of your blended offspring with the ability to learn resolution skills they can take with them into old age.

If original families can serve as a microcosm of the world around us where we learn to share, socialize and deal with varying personality traits – then the blended-family is the Milky Way...

·         United And Unshakable: means that I don’t care if you think your new spouse has completely lost their mind on some issue with your offspring. None of the children should ever suspect their parent/stepparent’s resolution isn’t a joint one set in Krazy Glue.

If you must air objections then take it to the garage workshop and throw sawdust, go for a drive then park your car with the windows up, go for a long walk together in a remote forest… But I can assure you it is even more unsettling to say something to one of the blended-offspring only have them attempt a palace-coupe with what you said overturned by their biological parent.

·         Take No Sides: bias can take two forms in a blended-family. We can lean too far toward our biological offspring or overcompensate in the other direction by giving more latitude to our blended-child. What we aim for is that King Solomon level of impartial wisdom which is ohhh so much easier when life events give you some warning. Any warning.

MY NOTES:

·         Expect some ranking awkwardness among the newly assembled troops especially those near in age by only a few months;

·         Watch for any possible imbalance of power that may pop up;

·         The reshuffle of your family’s birth-order may yield helpful new alliances. Perhaps you might gain an older [new] offspring who can better communicate with a troubled biological child;

·         A-n-d speaking of patience – which I mention in nearly every chapter… I was reminded of a woman who came to an after book-signing talk I gave in Boulder, Colorado. The specific topic is not important when she spoke up because her attitude applies to everything anyway. In the middle of a suggestion, I was making she said, “…well I tried that, and it didn’t work.” To which I asked, ‘How many times did you try?’ Then she responded, “How many times am I supposed to?” And someone else in the group said, “Over and over and over until it works.” [We don’t just mow our lawn once and we’re done, nor do we wash our clothes once and we’re done – we repeat important tasks daily. Tasks we need to do for our children, and our new family certainly bear repeating.]

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