Another - Blended Not Shaken

Stepping Grandly...

As with original families – the years are peeled away one at a time in blended-families too. They’re peeled away to reveal more of everything besides family reunions and gatherings for funerals, birthdays, graduations, and weddings – there’s more.

When the last one of your blended offspring says “I do” don’t exhale because we’re not done. Not even close – it’s Blended-Not-Shaken III - the ‘next’ generation! Following those traditional weddings there will [often] be the births of more new babies.

I’ll admit I wasn’t prepared when Keith’s eldest, Reid and his wife Susan announced they were expecting. Because we still had three living at home [one in high school and two in college] my brain continued to function in ‘mum-mode’. 

Besides that, at the age of 46 I considered myself at least one or two decades away from assuming the mantle of Granny. Oddly, Keith and I were less prepared to become grandparents than we had been to become stepparents.

But there was no confusion for Keith. His biological son was going to be a father, so his ‘place’ and title as Grandpa was set. For me, the designation was not so clear. The new arrival would already have two [biological] grandmothers, with the usual role of child-spoiler.   

Following my own suggestion that new stepparents think of themselves as a mentor, or coach [at first] in the lives of their stepchildren – I reevaluated my place in the life of my blended-children’s, children.

As I stated earlier published literature on the subject of step-grandparents in 1994 was as scarce as an undisputed translation of the Dead Sea Scrolls. So, what did I decide? A form of Fairy-Godmother of course, but with some modifications.

In Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty the job description of their Fairy Godmother was clear: wave a magic wand and cast magic spells… However, born without either of those abilities the best that I could do [outside the gates of Neverland] was Super-Aunt as an additional safety-net for both child and parents.

After the arrival of Sheryl [grandchild-1] initially I held back considerably. I wasn’t about to ‘crowd’ the other two biological grandmothers while they launched into their traditional function with the new tiny person. And for good reason. Susan was the youngest of five children so for her mother this latest grandchild joined a group that was in the double digits.

But for Reid’s mother this was her first grandchild. If you think your heart expanded to bursting with the birth of your children – warning – grandchildren will surround your heart faster than a swat-team.    

As the years past I became completely over that – the holding back part I mean. Three years after their daughter was born Reid and Susan had a son, Bryan. And because I had not rushed in with scads of clothes and toys to compete with the ‘other’ two grandmas, they accepted my presence sometimes we even shared ideas for gifts.

I was fortunate. Neither of the biological grandmothers were overly sensitive or possessive and there were no other grandfathers in the picture for Keith to consider.

However, that isn’t always the case. Abruptly, after the birth of a grandchild some may discover an insecure biological grandparent who becomes quite territorial.

Well, there’s a back-door approach with viable options.

·         No matter how zealously a biological grandparent attempts to, or insists on elbowing you out, small but meaningful gifts can certainly be sent by your [biological] spouse;

·         An invitation to the new parents for a casual Sunday brunch at your home or evening barbeque will allow you visiting time;

·         Perhaps you could be the person [every once in a while] who includes the grandparent[s] who seeks to restrict or block your time with their grandchild;

·         If two or three years after the grandchild’s birth you still haven’t been able to make any headway with the controlling biological grandparent there could be some miss information or misunderstanding on some level, that a visit over coffee and a scone might resolve;

·         Be patient and wait. Maintaining staying power isn’t easy and it’s not ideal, but with time [there I go again] and the arrival of other grandchildren those early insecure feelings often diminish;

·         And – there is always the casual [dinner] invitation including the apprehensive grandparent[s] with friends or neighbors where no kids or grandkids are involved.

·         Conveying that you don’t ‘see’ yourself as the child’s grandparent, but you’d like to be a type of great-uncle/great-aunt may help relax the touchy bio-grandparent too.

Instant Grandparent

Nine years after I became the self-appointed Fairy Godmother/Super-Aunt, our blended-youngest Patrick married Dianne. Dianne had a delightful, huggable four-year-old son from a previous marriage making Patrick an instant stepfather to Jay.

Less than one year after that Patrick and Dianne brought Eric into our world th old fashioned way. Then nine years after Eric was born, Patrick and Dianne adopted Eva bringing her into our expanding, blended-family circle.

At previous book signings and mini-workshops older couples asked me how they should deal with suddenly finding themselves instant-grandparents, after their son or daughter married someone with children.

Step-slowly, at first.

As with anyone we meet for the first time or know only slightly, we take our time to get acquainted. Approaching any offspring your adult son or daughter is now co-parenting is no different.

·         But think of yourself as one of their grandparents, there is no such entity as a step-grandparent;

·         If you’re meeting teens, learn the interests they have that you might be able to try, and conversely introduce them to one or two of your interests;

·         Share with them some of your memories when you were their age;

·         With children younger than age three, lots of hugs and kisses, with popsicles;

·         With children aged four to twelve, relax because you can now be a bit of a kid yourself. Start with each of you making a kite, or craft project and go from there.

In our, very, extended blended-family all of the grandchildren belong to all of the grandparents. We all embrace, we all spoil and we all share.

Kids don’t really care who is related to whom or how – they just respond to time with us, to unconditional love – and Fruit Loops on their ice cream for breakfast. But we don’t tell their parents. What happens at Grandma/Grandpa’s house stays at Grandma/Grandpa’s house…

If your son or daughter is dating someone with offspring welcome them into your home. Then if, your son or daughter marries someone with a child, ‘congratulations’ you have just become a grandparent, so welcome them into your heart.

My point: don’t make any distinction between DNA - and not. [My Grandma Todd didn’t] Everyone is extended-family, and the grandkids cleanup! When we were kids, we would have been thrilled to have the number of our grandparents, to have doubled especially for Christmas and birthdays.

Our total number of grandchildren [from all sources] is at five, from 21 years to 4 years. Bryan and Sheryl have three grandmothers and one grandfather. After Jay’s father remarried his grandmother count leaped to four, with a great-grandmother and four grandfathers too. Eric has three grandmothers, four grandfathers and a great grandmother, so does Eva -- and a partridge in a pear tree…

Embrace the number of grandkids with whom you can have fun and make endless memories. Have quiet time with a baby, play checkers with an eight-year-old, golf with a fourteen-year-old, or go to a concert with a nineteen-year-old.

Grandparents are Switzerland – we remain impartial. We take no sides in any spouse or ex-spouse disputes. Our home is neutral territory. We become the safe haven away from any turmoil that might exist in the life of our grandchild. Just color, go fishing, play Scrabble, work on puzzles together, watch funny movies, play in the sand. We get to have fun and revisit the joy of kids - with the gift of hindsight.

Note of caution though: should your adult offspring break up with or divorce the parent of a child you bonded with there is always a danger that in the fray of a second divorce blended-grandparents suffer a separation that may only be for a few months - or it may be for years. David once dated a gal who had a young son, we looked forward to seeing, but after a couple of years they broke up. [Kili remains in our hearts.]

Regardless Keith and I were willing to take that risk. Each and every one of the grandchildren who came into our circle – by whatever means – will always have our love and all the cake they ever want for lunch!  

MY NOTES

·         Just take all of the grandkids who cross your path and fill the rest of your days with the most incredible memories – restricted only by your imagination

·         Now get out there with your new grandchildren and buy a canoe, take up archery, go to Bingo – something…

[Amazin Books, Barnes & Noble]