Another - Blended Not Shaken
My Notes Looking Back...
We created our own road map.
Throughout our years together the pendulum of experiences swung from gut-wrenching, throw, yourself on the bed, tears of bewilderment to – gut-wrenching, leg-slapping, tears of laughter. Moreover, our leg-slapping moments far outnumbered the throw-yourself-on-the-bed stuff.
Neither, of us have been contacted by anyone from Rome to have our names inscribed on a list of historically prominent martyrs. And amazingly over our years together, Keith and I were fortunate enough to take turns loosing-it.
One of us always managed to retain their wits while the other took off into a tempest-orbit in response to some form of significant glitch or attempted sabotage. The one in-orbit could always be returned to reason by the other one who was still in control of their faculties.
· We managed never to lose sight of each other or the wacky, wonderful circumstance that brought us together;
· We never lost sight of what we strived to bring together for our kids;
· We learned to focus more energy toward finding solutions than obsessing over problems;
· We tempered serious issues with a lighter approach – confronting the worst scenario – resolving then letting go;
· We balanced our work and worries on life’s teeter-totter, far away from our kids.
Regardless of what was [or was not] happening for us and most of the other couples I met with, we strived to turn a setback into a learning experience. [Not – so easy if you’ve been laid off, a child gets sick, your house is damaged in a storm, etc…]
Finding ‘joy’ again after severe disappointment[s] or loss[es] seems not only an insurmountable effort, but an effort looked upon with futility…
There were more years Keith and I possessed greater optimistic-wealth than financial assets. But for some reason, call us delusional, we always had faith. We had faith in our own resourcefulness, and we had faith in each brand-new tomorrow.
We learned there is a vast difference between ‘solution’ and resolution’. Sometimes there is no solution only resolution – a compromise with honor for everyone. [The best win, win we could find.]
We learned that there are numerous circumstances in which the actual winner comes in last. Winning is not a prize – winning is a process that’s never quite complete.
Our children tested us. They pushed and poked at the edges of the shield behind which we attempted to contain them.
They lobbied against the prehistoric practice of their limitations, a curfew and a house with rules.
They informed us we were the only parents who rarely bought chips and sodas and ‘never’ bought Fruit Loops.
They complained about the tidy-room policy asserting only people in prison or the military made their beds, every day.
We were annoyingly in their face. We insisted on knowing their friends, the parents of their friends, and where they were going.
We tested our children. They never failed us as often as we [likely] failed them, but they stuck with us, trusting that even when we were not making sense [from their perspective] we still meant well.
And if we weren’t paying attention to some of the changes to their times [attempting to impose far too many mid-sixties standards] the kids spoke up, and rightly so.
We expected them to do as well as they could in school – always giving an honest effort. We left two of them with the responsibility of our Colorado house while we worked in Europe for two years.
Our youngest inadvertently became responsible for himself – left alone much of the time while he finished high school in Alberta, choosing good friends and maintaining respectable marks.
Our eldest lived out-of-sight but close enough for us to have been more supportive toward a young couple with a new child.
Our second one, packed with talent, searched for his own distinctive place – a place not reachable on any map – and not the place we worried he should be.
Every single one of our blended-offspring taught us as much as we taught them.
We tested each other. Neither Keith nor I are doormat, pansy personalities. We’re, both, fiercely inquisitive, optimistic, independent, loyal and dedicated.
Acute curiosity trumped fear at the base of anything we chose to tackle, shunting aside caution that might have caused others to hesitate.
Because we are also tolerant and respectful of each other’s view there was a give and share exchange. We didn’t need to be right just allowed to have our point heard with regard.
Our matching work ethic allowed us to labor for long hours for several months to complete a project or reach a goal – while still setting aside watch-the-sunset time.
Our strength as a couple has been the ability to hold-our-own with each other, while standing united against others if need be.
At about this time in one of my mini-workshop/book signings or one of my television interviews – I was asked: “Knowing what you know now, would you do it all over again? Would you remarry and would you remarry someone who was also divorced with children?”
The first time that question was asked I took a deep breath then exhaled, yes. Then reminded them how lousy I had been at ‘making-a-wish’ – which always got a smile.
But I believe there is energy at work around us much greater than we realize. Absolutely nothing - I could have done by remaining safe and single - would have allowed me to realize a greater self-potential than my decision to remarry.
The release of that deep breath was a release of all the worry, the effort, the doubt, all caution mixed with impulse, planning and changing plans…All required to deal with the extra-special needs that is the reality of remarriage with children – the Blended-Family…
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