Another - Blended Not Shaken

Instant Parent...

Then again – perhaps one of the future spouses has never been married or has never had children.  “Congratulations! You’re now the proud parent of a walking, talking, bundle...”

This situation presents its own set of challenges and not necessarily less as you might expect.

Bringing children into our life [biologically] is a gradual process. First, we discover the pregnancy then we await the actual birth. Over the course of a given number of months our new bundle of joy [and sleepless nights] arrives. Fortunately, our babies, growing into toddlers are young enough to forget our initial uncertainty, awkward fumbling and general clumsy attempts at parenting.

Bonding between biological parent[s] and their child[ren] means the parents are apt to be more tolerant of their child’s traits and behavior than someone who has not developed the same attachment. This is normal. And equally - their children are also more tolerant of their parent[s].

All too common with remarriage is a situation where one of the new spouses must assume the position of instant-parent, with perhaps zero previous experience. This new spouse is expected to take on a knowledgeable parenting role, often before any emotional tie with the stepchild has been established.

For anyone with little or no parenting confidence, [no goldfish, not even a house plant] simply, redefine your title. Think of your parenting function as a form of teacher, mentor or coach.

Effective parenting of the next generation in any society is consequently important. However, since nearly, anyone can get pregnant we take the consequence of parenting too lightly.

·         Seek to make a ‘place’ of your own that is distinct. As a new [blended]parent, do not compete on any level with the absent biological parent. Over time slowly make your own contributions and introduce your abilities;

·         At first, do more observing;

·         When you give consideration, you get consideration;

·         If you let them, children can teach you;

·         Enjoy the [new] young people who have entered your life and strive to relax. But – you are not their ‘buddy’. Children need direction, so be consistent, be firm and be fair. We can always ‘gauge’ fair using the “do-unto-others” method.

Marrying a divorced parent forces the new childless co-parent to skip several typical, progressive parenting steps.

Thrown into the deep-end of the parenting pool with little or no previous experience [no time with nieces, nephews, or kids of friends] will be as confusing and perplexing as the inner workings of our federal government. [That’s a different book…]

For the years before you came into their life, you’ve missed that time to learn together.  Metaphorically speaking you might feel as if you’re six again and facing the-first-day-of-school. If your new spouse has only one offspring, then you have only one vote to win. If, however, you’re outnumbered then dividing is the most effective way to conquer.

………

BONNIE married Luke who had an eight-year-old daughter, Emily from a previous marriage. Bonnie had been married before, but had no children…

“That by becoming Luke’s wife, I was also becoming another mother to Emily had not occurred to me – at all.”

“I do not recall the topic being discussed or pointed out anywhere [oral or written] as I was preparing for marriage. So as one can imagine there was tension and some difficulty in the first year of our marriage every time Emily visited every week for weekends or longer.”

“I just plain did not want to be bothered with child rearing duties and was resentful of that intrusion in my life. I had pretty much taken a hands-off stance in dealing with Emily.”

“As far as I was concerned it was not my place to direct her activities, or structure her life in any way since she ‘wasn’t’ my kid. So, as much as I could I kept myself aloof and uninvolved when Emily was with us.”

“Well of course that did not work, and Emily would go back to her mother in a markedly deteriorated [behavioral] state, according to Corrine – Emily’s mother.”

“Finally, Corrine confronted the issue and called me to discuss ‘our’ situation. Corrine gently, but firmly got me back on track, pointing out that ‘she’ and Emily expected me to be a ‘mother’ when Emily was with us. When I failed to live up to that expectation Emily was deeply affected.”

“I really valued that conversation with Corrine. Emily’s mother empowered me to be included and take-over Emily’s guidance and care when she was with us – an approach I don’t believe I would have had the assertiveness to adopt otherwise.”

“As I learned to deal with Emily in that way, her visits smoothed out and we literally, have lived happily-ever-after.”  

CHRISTOPHER married again three years after his divorce. He and his first wife didn’t have children. His older sister had a son and a daughter but lived several miles away with visits few and far between over the years. When he met his future second wife, she was divorced with two sons aged 11 and 13. Christopher came to his second marriage with virtually no experience with children.

“I know now I was just not thinking. Not really. Lydia had these two boys, and I thought no big deal. Our courtship was pretty short. Both of us had been divorced for a while and were pretty lonely, but still not willing to ruin our lives just marrying anyone.”

“But thinking back we didn’t do that much together, the four of us, before I asked Lydia to marry me. I certainly never thought in terms of the fact that I was committing to her boys as well. That was a surprise.”

“The next surprise was her ex-husband, who had left Lydia for a gal in his office eight years younger. Well, the boy’s dad and his second wife announced to the boys that they were getting a divorce the same weekend I proposed to Lydia.”

“I can’t begin to tell you how many fits Lydia’s ex-husband’s second wife gave him that came full circle to ‘broadside’ our life. Man I was ready to go to court to help out Lydia’s ex-husband.”

“His second wife got him so tied up financially, that his child support checks started to bounce so often we decided not to push that issue. I took over much of the financial responsibility including adding the boys to my health insurance.”

“Then here I was trying to help Lydia’s two boys deal with their dad breaking promises, not picking them up when he said he would, forgetting birthdays, not returning phone calls. Wow, it was wild there for our first two years.”

“I was on the phone two or three times a week to my sister, my brother-in-law, and my dad for advice. But none of them had been divorced so they really couldn’t help. Much of the discipline problems we started to have with the boys were direct reactions to their confusion about their dad who was overwhelmed with the erratic behavior of his second wife.”

“Matthew, the older boy lost interest in school and band. Music was something that he had been pretty set on since he was five. But his attitude and his marks became so bad we were surprised he got into high school at all.”

“Then Ben, the younger one started junior high and puberty. Matthew had retreated. Ben was the opposite; he had the energy of five kids. But we couldn’t seem to channel much of that energy to school or any outside interests that didn’t annoy the neighbors or his teachers.”

“My dad decided to take both boys fishing with him and two of his long-time friends for three weeks, the summer of our second anniversary.”

“With the boys gone I met with Lydia’s ex-husband and convinced him to fire the lawyer he had been using and replace him with one who had the ability to fight for his rights.”

“We then arranged for him to meet his boys returning from my dad’s and spend that weekend with them. Between the time with my dad and the rest of the summer spent repairing their relationship with their dad – both boys started school in the fall in a lot better mental shape.”

“That was eight months ago and all of us are doing even better. The boys are 14 with a learner’s permit and 16 with a driver’s license and I still wonder at this parenting thing, but I’m learning. But I would not relive the first two years of our marriage for any amount of money.”

PENNY married Jim who had a four-year-old son Craig from a previous marriage. Penny had not been married before. Penny’s direct experience with the care of children was limited to some babysitting in high school. However, the surprises she experienced in human behavior came more from Craig’s biological mother than from the stepson for whom she had assumed joint responsibility.

“I’ve been a stepmother now for 28 years. Like every parent I wish I knew then what I know now.”

“When I met my future husband Jim his son was four years-old and my first impression of Craig was that I thought he was as cute as could be and quite charming. That still holds true to this day – only now I ‘love’ Craig and can’t imagine my life without him.”

“We got Craig every second weekend, sometimes driving two hours there and back to get him because his mother moved a lot. That wasn’t so bad because we would sit him between us and the time in the car let us talk a great deal with him – about everything.”

“Those weekends we also let him sleep with us. This might not be for everyone, but it helped us get closer and formed an intimate bond. Years later Craig told me that was one of the best things we could have done – imagine that!”

“I found that if you are honest with your kids, they will be honest back.”

“Jim and I were not able to have kids so our weekends with Craig were cherished. Later when Craig’s mother remarried and had two other children, Craig thought it was great being an only child at our place.”

“Craig and his father have one of the closest relationships I’ve ever witnessed between child and parent. Jim was a very playful, affectionate parent and Craig too has all those same qualities, with his kids now that he’s a dad.”

“After reading the first draft of this book I can only stress everything Sherrie has written is true. We as adults must realize all our children want is love, security and guidance. Craig had more than his share of trauma with ups and downs of all kinds, dealing with two stepfathers, numerous boyfriends and the responsibility of his two younger siblings, but we tried to be his sanctuary.”

Penny resisted the urge to confront Craig’s mother [Jim’s ex-wife] on several occasions. Instead, she and Jim chose to focus on helping Craig deal with his unpredictable weekdays when they couldn’t be there. Only when a few of his mother’s dates became too intrusive did they seek assistance from the legal system or Family Services.

“We’re rewarded now for our patience and unconditional love. Everyone else in a blended family can be too if they love each other first. The hub of any family wheel is love. I’m Craig’s stepmom and I also became a foster mother and today I’m mom to a son and daughter. I’ve been given some great gifts.”

If you’re not only a new stepparent, but a first-time parent, who can’t seem to remember your own youth - you’ll need to understand:

·         An empty pop can or soda glass always weighs more than a full one. This accounts for why our kids can get their drinks from the kitchen to a chair in front of the television, but can’t seem to return them;

·         Chores performed by any offspring with a valid driver’s license will always take twice as long and use twice as much gas. Try to relax. They need the practice and sooner than we expect the novelty will wear off and they won’t want to run out in the car any more than we do;

·         Errands run by any offspring will cost twice as much because children never volunteer to return extra change. If we’re lucky we may find some of it in their pockets on wash day/laundered money;

·         To be baggy and or wrinkled is a fashion statement, not something for which they should be ashamed. Straight creases, pressed seams exist only as a memory or in the old photos of a museum display;

·         Shoelaces offer far more resistance in the untying process than the tying process. Which explains why kids can’t seem to remove their shoes at the door;

·         Our kids’ solution to the issue of them spending too much time texting or emailing is for you to have higher internet speed installed or get them a newer updated phone. You have not experienced true ‘pressure-sales-tactics’ until you have raised kids.

Mother’s Day & Father’s Day-revisited…

When the 1^st edition of this book came out 2003 none of the major greeting-card companies sold special occasion cards for ‘step-or-blended’ anything. Today [primarily on-line] birthday, seasonal and all occasion cards are available for major blended-family members. Though step makes me cringe there is at least an element of recognition from the greeting card world.

That being the case, much of the messages inside don’t often reflect the unique blended-family relationship. For our first year I decided to help the troops long before the North American month of May. After a talk with Gail, she got Paul to drive everyone to the mall to shop for Mother’s Day cards for each kid’s ‘mother’. Keith’s boys bought cards for their mom and my kids bought cards for me. By June Gail and Patrick were in Alberta with their dad, and Keith was thrilled with cards from his boys.

This same pattern continued for seven years, until on its own and in a completely natural way both Keith and I began to get cards from each other’s offspring. They were mostly humorous, but every once in a while, we’d get one with a personal message of acknowledgement. Paul gave me two handmade [birthday] cards I’ll keep forever.

Other blended-families I interviewed maneuvered around the touchy mom/dad/grandparent card issue by helping their children pick out friendship style greeting cards, with ‘thinking of you’ themed messages.

Regardless which direction feels right for your family, or perhaps you develop alternate ideas on your own – do not suggest or even hint to any offspring to include the new spouse in this very personal tribute. Because—to many kids [their] Mother’s Day and [their] Father’s Day, is even more personal than their parent’s birthday.  

MY NOTES…

·         Learning parenting skills late in life may be no more complicated that letting the kids show you;

·         Is, developing parenting skills, while living with other people’s [nearly grown] children going to take a great deal of effort with trial and error? You bet. But then anything worthwhile takes effort.

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