Another - Blended Not Shaken

Who's Marrying Who[m]?...

In 1990 we blended Canadian slow-paced calm with American go-get-em energy. That blending instantly interrupted several years of single-again solitude with an increased activity level equal to mealtime at a summer camp.

We blended two brownie eating, mascara-smudging cry at the movies females – with – four taco eating, car grease-smearing, sports watching males.

We blended four members of one family, [Reid my husband’s oldest was living on his own] with three members of another. And – under one roof all six of these people on any given day were divided into any number of camps for as many reasons, on as many issues as there are pebbles on a beach.

There were the typical males versus females, offspring versus parents and some daze the blending worked better than others…

Initially we blended four offspring ages 12 to 22 [number five was 24] with ‘middle-aging’ parents age 42 and 47.

In the fall of 1990 Patrick started grade seven, Gail grade ten, David grade twelve with Paul who restarted college – again.

We blended two kitchens into one. [Keith, had been on his own for almost thirteen years, nearly six for me.]

We implanted duplicates of everything into cupboards in ways the original carpenter hadn’t envisioned. But as it turned out, we certainly needed those two toasters, two blenders, electric fry pans, four sets of dishes and cutlery with extra kettles, bowls, pots and other utensils.

Doubling the number of small appliances just barely kept up with doubling up on the people who used them. Our meals were a frenzied migration to the dining table with the clan descending like locus on a pond after a draught. It didn’t matter how many pounds of potatoes, or how many dozen pork chops were cooked – everything was eaten. If anything remained from a meal, I never had leftovers long enough in our fridge to grow cold, let alone grow mold.

And we needed extensive numbers of plates, bowls and cutlery because three of our [resident] four offspring regularly whisked all manner of kitchenware to their corners of the house to eat contraband fodder, between meals. Tucked away in the vast caverns an architect innocently labeled bedrooms on his blueprints, were numerous glasses, cups, plates, bowls, forks and spoons – stockpiled in desk drawers, perched on upper closet shelves, lined up along windowsills or stacked and leaning at a jaunty angle on the floor next to a bed.

Most of the time the food remains had long since dried to the consistency of conglomerate by the time the dishes were rescued by a SWAT Team from the Department of Hazardous Waste. At other times, what was left on the side of a bowl or plate had become a struggling new life form we almost felt compelled to name.

Keith and I soon began grocery shopping at a local bulk food store, buying as much as we could in case lots. Every six weeks we’d make a pilgrimage to this warehouse style store like it was Mecca. We bought bulk toilet paper, tissue, hand soap, laundry soap, shampoo, toothpaste, vitamins, shaving cream, toothbrushes, and giant cases of anything canned or frozen.

Besides two vacuums, ironing boards, irons and garden equipment – we blended two decades of individual furniture purchases into a rather curious – likely ahead of its’ time – decorating style. I’m pretty sure we started the eclectic trend, taking it to new and dizzying heights.

When we started out, we had two bunk beds, one waterbed, two roll-a-way cots, a sofa bed, one king-size bed, one queen-size bed, and one double.

We had oval tables, square tables and round tables. Some tables had four legs, some had center pedestals, some could be made larger with extensions, while others became smaller by lowering a drop-leaf. Some tables had drawers, or shelves, others without, or some with both. But none of them matched.

None of our lamps matched either. And then there were the walls… Our walls displayed a medley of art.  My mother called our house The-Museum. She was being kind as it was a 20s Bohemian gallery run-a-muck in the 90s.  Hung anywhere there was space were antique prints, elbowing Asian watercolors, and country oils, mixed with school craft projects.

Our wooden kitchen chairs were pine, often sharing space with the dining chairs made from maple. The upholstered chairs, sofas and loveseats could line a parade route of patterns with equal representation from every section of the color wheel.

But as I pointed out before the stark reality of second marriages is not dealing with duplicate appliances or furniture it’s the duplicate human element including lawyers who may end up on your Christmas card list. And it’s dealing with some amazingly petty or vicious stunts divorced adults initiate against ex-spouses.

To thrive and not be caught by surprise it’s important to understand from the beginning that blended-families function differently. In the beginning nearly every element in a bended-family will be magnified.

·         Every member of a blended-family has suffered a loss… This sense of loss at the very least was triggered by the original divorce resulting in a ‘form’ of grieving – and for at least your first six to eighteen months together expect to be emotionally off guard once nearly every-single-week;

·         The biological parent and child relationship has a historical bond… Although you have fallen in love again, and remarried - affection between stepchild and stepparent may be complicated by another conflicting bond so it will not be instantaneous;

·         Remarrying parents endeavor to define a parental role [often] long before any emotional connection has been established with their stepchild… Therefore, initially you will constantly do battle with yourself to do what is fair – while resisting the urge to toss a lamp! Mr. & Mrs. Moonstruck got to know each other while dating, but unless all the kids went on those dates too, they’ll need more time;

·         There is another biological parent [ex-spouse] living in another location… Dealing with the issues related to an ex-spouse means you haven’t developed chronic indigestion it’s simply a lump of confusion wedged in the pit of your gut – quite normal;

·         Children in a blended-family are members of and torn between two distinct households… Complete adjustment can take up to a full three years [or not at all] depending on the grownups – because blending these new relationships is in every way, with each family, a trip into the unknown;

Another ‘quirky’ aspect to a blended-family [as if your head didn’t hurt already] is that in forming one – you will marry more than just one person.

When I said “I do” to Keith that sunny fall Saturday in 1990, I also said it [metaphorically] to Reid, Paul, and David. And when Keith replied “I will” to me, he also included Gail and Patrick.

Remarrying and bringing offspring from a former relationship means they are part of the same commitment. [Remember when I said: in the blended-family everything is magnified, well I meant everything.]

Sooo, be sure. Be absolutely sure – even if you keep dating and live in separate houses for a few more years – for heaven’s sake wait to be sure.

Only moving in together when you bring children, without benefit of a legal marriage is just half of a commitment - which is really no commitment at all.

Becoming a parent is a life game changer. Becoming a step-parent is Olympian.

While we’re raising children, teaching children, coaching children or otherwise instructing those who are younger – the most lasting impression is to lead by example.

And when we look at the ‘next’ generation – and what we have taught them as apprentices-to-life – what we witness is the returning echo of our own habits, both public and private.

So, while we are still raising impressionable young children, to legally re-marry is an important message. And until, you feel truly ready to make that all important ‘second-step’ consider remaining in your respective households to live until you are.

As you read on [unless you just threw this book across the room in disgust] you may better understand why I strongly advocate a legal marriage when everyone moves in together under one roof. Otherwise by remaining single and relatively independent you’re not sending additional mixed messages to your kids.

MY NOTES:

·         A blended-family wedding is a multiple wedding

·         If either one of the significant-other partners show a reluctance to commit legally because of a previous divorce experience – then just keep dating and wait, be patient with them and yourself

·         Don’t rush to parent

·         Don’t rush the healing

[Amazon Books , Barnes & Noble]