Another - Blended Not Shaken

Our Parenting Styles

To parent, to guide or to coach a member of the next generation is the most important responsibility adults will ever undertake.

Parenting is more important than any medical cure, more important than any invention, and certainly more important than any military action.

However, we need to understand why so many of us parent our offspring in the manner that we’ve adopted. To do that we can take a look at how parenting methods evolved from society’s historical perspective.

I don’t need to go into a great deal of depth here for the purpose of the blended family, but it is important because there is often discipline carryover from original families from our childhoods. And those discipline patterns are not immediately translatable into a new blended-family core as some might expect.

Historically – growing up during the Victorian Era [England’s Queen Victoria 1819-1901] across Europe and much of settled North America – an accepted parenting style of the time, among good-families was: “Children should be seen, and not heard.”

Among the families of the upper classes, nannies paraded offspring before their parents at set times each day and grandparents or other relatives and visitors, on special occasions. All of the children appeared for this public showing clean, rested and well fed. Children were dutifully kissed by mothers, aunts and grandmothers, bounced on the knee of fathers, uncles and grandfathers then whisked back to the confines of the nurseries.

Then too, the vast majority of the marriages of the aristocracy and gentry were arranged, as opposed to choice, and their offspring were considered somewhat as property.

Children of working-class parents began to ‘pull-their-weight’ almost as soon as they could walk and talk. If not, those offspring were a financial liability parents could not afford and unceremoniously dumped on the doorstep of churches and orphanages.

At the ages of three and four children could be found assisting in the selling of wares, produce or bake goods on the streets in baskets, or from carts. Five, six and seven year-old children worked in factories, farm fields or vast gardens for long hours. Boys as young as eight began their interminable apprenticeships [if they were fortunate] learning a useful trade. Most girls of that same age began life as seamstresses, cooks or went into domestic service, cleaning.

Before the 20^th Century the middle-class was so minuscule it was almost undetectable. The offspring of this, obscure strata of human culture came from families with fathers who were teachers, doctors, lawyers, bankers and church clergy. The professional-class lived a type of social bridge. They certainly needed to earn their living, with regular contact among the serving working class, but they also had some discretionary income with which to educate their children, who then rubbed elbows with the independently wealthy.

The wealthy, thought of having children as a duty. They were to produce a son and heir, or daughter to marry an heir in order to perpetuate the aristocracy and maintain the family estate.

The professional class to some extent also saw their offspring as an ‘asset’ for advantageous matrimonial alliances, while the working class viewed their children as another pair of hands to support the household.

Both aristocracy and working-class parents considered their children a possession. But later from emerging professional classes of clergy, lawyers, physicians, accountants, architects, teachers/professors - who were, more often able to select their mates - began a parenting style that could afford the luxury of actually loving and enjoying their offspring.

With the colonization of America, Canada [and Australia] second sons, from the aristocracy who didn’t join the military, or the church sailed to the colonies to make their own fortunes. They became businessmen, inventors, and governing leaders and the emerging upper-middle-class with a more inclusive parenting style.

However, the residue from that former prevalent parenting attitude still resided in the parenting patterns, indeed the subconscious of thousands of mid-twentieth century parents.

One hundred and fifty years ago few adults gave much thought to what if anything was in the minds of their children. Before they could talk toddlers were regarded as not much further evolved than the family spaniel. So, to include them let alone consult them on any matter directly concerning the family was exceptional.

Well into the 21^st Century we have long understood that if there is a close death in the family our children must be included, and their mourning process acknowledged. If there is a move, or a divorce, or a death children of a certain age need to be included in what directly affects them. If this cycle is not allowed to play out the effects can follow the adult-child throughout their life.

In this century if we must make a major move across town, to another city, another state or province – or even another country – as much as possible consider and help your kids adjust to the coming disruption.

Don’t give the excuse that with the ‘move’, or with your ‘job’ you don’t have time. Take time – five minutes over cornflakes in the morning and another five minutes over a bowl of ice cream before bed at night – something, anything. But do not ignore this process.

Considered and respected children tend to grow up to be respectful and considerate adults – it’s a learned behavior - from their parents!

I attended eight schools in twelve years of my primary education. My parents [born before WWII] were kind well-meaning people. But they parented with the attitude of their time – which did not regard children as a consideration when making what they felt were adult decisions.

Because I was the ‘new-kid’ so often I learned a great deal about change and starting over. However, I hated it. And, I was so affected by those disruptions I almost handicapped my own children the other direction by resisting all moves after they were born. Until the divorce my children learned very little about coping with change which can be as much of a handicap as trying to cope with too much.

Sometime during the 70s as a result of two decades of Dr. Spock, and a free-thinking Hippie movement colliding with women’s liberation – our offspring were slowly included far more in their parent’s social and professional lives. However, an even greater misconception that “children are resilient” began to replace the previous Victorian stance “children should be seen and not heard”.

Ironically both parenting mind-sets are built on the premise that children will forget, or they do not understand, or cannot reason, or do not have experience, etc… If you relate to that school of thought, then what memories do you harbor from your childhood for which you wish your parents had made different choice[s]? [Just asking…]

I have zero patience with parents who defend inane or arbitrary decisions because: “Well I went without that.” or “I didn’t get to do that and I survived, so my kid will survive too…” Ya, ya, ya – horse feathers.

First of all, you didn’t survive ‘whole’ - that resentment is still present. But you can’t ‘punish’ your parents, so you punish your child? And second, times-change or they should if society is to progress. Since we grew up under different circumstances, we should be bright enough not to parent using circumstances that no longer apply.   

Moving on… When divorce is an impending reality, all too often our children become lost in the maze of our own misery.

Too often we are so emotionally crippled by what is happening to us we may not consider or even feel we are able to offer much if any support to our kids. Except, we must - because fellow traveler - they feel the fear of uncertainty, the pain of loss, and the guilt of blame more acutely than we realize.

Also keep in mind that as we muster energy to address the needs of our offspring – there can be a therapeutic element for us. When we work with our kids our healing can begin too. [So long as there is no finger pointing or name calling – please.]

If we are caught off guard by a spouse who announces, seemingly out of nowhere, “I’m leaving you for someone else. I want a divorce.” Then – we could be forgiven momentarily if in scrambling to find our own equilibrium, we can’t seem to jump in immediately to deal with our children. However – that will only hold for about twenty-four hours. As I said above our recovery begins with including our children.

A-l-s-o and this is a biggie, the partner who abruptly initiated the divorce doesn’t just get to ‘exit’. The instigating parent too should be someone with whom the troubled children can share - hopefully.

Should the case be one of parents drifting apart for some time, then, jointly agreeing to divorce - may be slightly less emotional, but perhaps the best solution to a relationship that holds more history than meaning. With this situation there is no excuse for both parents not preparing their children for the change, or not including them with a life decision that will affect them over the coming months, and years.

But it need not continue to hurt or haunt them however which is up to us as their parents. Our offspring can learn from and then grow stronger as a result of this disturbing experience, but they are forever changed [as you are] so do not delude yourself.

For all the years of fractured to nonexistent communication between my ex-husband and me – we agreed to tell our children that we were getting a divorce – together. The experience was heart breaking. But we presented a united front that assured them we would always remain friends. We explained why we needed to live apart which was the very communication Gail [12] and Patrick [9] needed to hear besides the word divorce.

And as close as we were to our kids and as trusting as both of them had been of their father and me, they were still hurt and angry by this decision.

Hurt, because there had been no hint of discord - we kept it from them.

Angry because they knew they had no choice. They were forced to adapt to a very upsetting alteration in their lives.

It was also the first time in their lives they viewed their parents as fallible, that we didn’t always have the answers. Nor did we always know what we were doing. That realization shook them deeply. That realization will shake your kids as well.

If all of this appears just a little too melodramatic to you then you aren’t going to like anything else, I plan to say either. If, however, this seems to hold a grain of logic for you – read on.

There is so much irony in the enterprise of parenting I hardly know where to start…

With geology, before I could translate the rock layers presented from oil field core samples to litho-logy logs, I had to spend several years taking geology classes.

Before I could input then retrieve the massive amount of coal data, we had accumulated for the research project on which I worked, I had to take several months of computer programming classes.

What, classes were I required to complete before I was allowed to bring another human being into this world who could grow to maturity as either a Gandhi or a Squeaky Fromme? None!

The decision to have a child, who could become a healer or a sociopath or everything in between, required no prior qualifications or even much thought. All it takes is just a few minutes of mindless passion. How bizarre.

It’s bizarre because the parenting/coaching style of adults literally sets the tone for how our culture will fare decades into the future. [Affecting the world of our great grandchildren.]

The next notable irony about parenting is that our last toaster came with more instructions and in three languages.

When the delivery room nurse handed Gail to me [whose inner workings are far more complicated than any toaster] I got nothing. I got no warranty, no parts replacement list nothing in writing except my wrist tag that matched her ankle tag imprinted with: baby girl, same last name and my room number. All of which I already knew. More literature came with each Cabbage Patch Kid!

I realize that in every bookstore there is all manner of reading material about babies, children and adolescents. But a great deal of it is contradictory and changes like the latest food group that caused cancer in lab mice.

There is virtually no multi-faceted advice for the care and feeding of a pet iguana or any other pet for that matter, but there is no end to the miles of conflicting literature on the care and feeding of newborns, toddlers, preschoolers and teens…

And for those who maintain that raising a child is just commonsense I’d like to point out there is conflicting criteria for that too. [Common sense that is.] However, I was allowed to have a child at 27 then another one at 30 when I was still not completely well versed in all areas of sound, practical judgment, myself. 

Human parenting is far more complicated than it is for the lioness teaching her cubs to hunt on the Serengeti – and it’s not a right-of-passage handed down via DNA. The fact is our grandparents and parents lived through different times that called for different parameters to make decisions on specific generational issues.

Boomers had to adjust for a wide social leap more complicated than their parents - many of whom rode to a one room school, barefoot on the back of a horse. Since 1990 our children were driven or cycled on a high-tech bike costing as much as the average house did in 1940, wearing designers’ shoes costing as much as a full month’s wages for most men in 1950.

With a divorce, all of our previous weaknesses as parents [indeed as people] can become amplified – substantially. We may feel more poorly equipped during a divorce than at any other time to be a parent. But the process of talking to our kids, the effort expended in explaining as honestly, as simply [without assigning blame] what went off-the-rails – forces us to:

·         Reinforce our children’s lack of duplicity in any of the family’s current disruption;

·         Reevaluate old habits;

·         Revisit our personal history;

·         Reaffirm plans for our revised future;

·         Reconfirm our love for these innocent bystanders who have no choice, and little say.

The Bigger Picture…

For original families parenting is tied very closely to two basics – age and relationships.

With biological parents both their age [maturity] and who they are defines who should be in charge. Then comes perimeter relationships [an older sibling, grandparent etc…] who often assume authority, with older siblings assigned a certain level of responsibility, for home, pets and/or younger siblings.

In a blended-family the chain-of-command-deck will be reshuffled. At the very least a third adult will appear [or a fourth if both biological parents remarry] and then perhaps an older new sibling or two who gives orders – or – new younger siblings who need supervision.

This sudden alteration of original patterns can if you’re not aware of this, cause complications…

Keith and I didn’t have many defined ideas of exactly how we would function as a family only that we would. In retrospect that was extremely dumb. But the general plan was to keep everything as simple as possible. We had one rule for us, we had a second rule for the kids and a third rule for the entire clan.

The first rule Keith and I worked diligently to follow was that everyone was ours regardless of biological origin. And if there was a concern or issue regarding anyone of the four who lived with us, they were singled out by name only – not – “your son” or “your daughter”.

The second rule was that we referred to our-blended-kids as brothers and sister. We introduced them as such to other people and expected them to treat each other with courtesy and consideration.

For Keith and me our blended-family needed to be shepherded daily after we settled in, until the troops slowly began to operate in a sibling-mode as well. Then, staying out of their more minor disputes, paved the way for us to get involved when, conflicts, became a little more serious. [I’ll expand more on that point later.]

The third rule was that we shared our evening meal together. On the weekends it was a morning brunch.

And more often than not that together part also included various friends our offspring brought home. Generally, there were more than six at our long Maplewood table. Emerging from his home office, Keith was often greeted by two or three other new faces hovering about the kitchen and dining room. Puzzled he’d ask me or one of our kids, “Who’s that?”

I commuted to Denver every day for our first three years after all of us were married. Keith moved his office to the house but travelled out of state a fair amount for business. As you can imagine with full time jobs, part time jobs, special interests and school schedules always changing we were often hard pressed to net everyone most days. However, we shifted the dinner hour to fit during the week and likewise adjusted brunch on the weekend. We managed at least five members of our six for seven out of seven days. There may have been a different mix with each meal – but that one meal together every day made a closer connection possible.

Building a new relationship can be a little like working with bricks and mortar. It’s not a fast process. Either is learning about one another. By mixing step-parent with step-child [changing if there is more than one] to run errands or work on a project at home – instead of automatically asking our biological kid, helps all members of the household to begin to feel included.

Also, as a biological parent, pull back a little and allow an opportunity for your new spouse and your offspring to share errands, projects and other times together that do not include you.

Having said all those warm and fuzzy things I will qualify this by adding – not a sour note of caution so much as an F-sharp. And that is this: should you marry someone with kids over the age of 16 remember that with older offspring strong bonds of caring may not develop as they would with much younger children. For one thing time is already against you, time and history spent somewhere else. A teen’s acceptance of you is also dependent on the level of their [possible] insecurity or mistrust already deeply entrenched.

Some young people put up barriers of indifference that have nothing to do with you personally, but more to do with their experiences well before you joined the group dynamics. With that as a viable factor demonstrating that you’re available and showing fairness consistently, will go a long way to developing a relationship.

·         During meals share some of your own childhood stories, events from work, or during free time include an activity like golf, tennis or a hobby;

·         Create one on one time with each offspring;

·         Preserve some biological parent and child one on one time;

·         Include one stepchild with one biological child and parent in a project or outing;

·         Be patient about adjustments and showing affection;

·         Do fun, even goofy or spontaneous things together – e.g. no one is ever too old to make and fly a kite, carving pumpkins etc...

Another important undertaking is for the newly remarried parents to actively maintain a civil relationship between ‘all’ former spouses who are jointly involved with the care of the offspring concerned.

This benefits everyone, regardless of daily or only occasional contact with any other biological parents. With an almost business-like relationship of cooperation between spouse and ex-spouse our offspring can thrive in a measurable atmosphere devoid of emotional theatre.

·         Deal directly with parenting adults in each household;

·         Keep children out-of-the-middle;

·         Do not speak negatively about the parent in the other household;

·         Avoid competition or power struggles between households;

·         If cooperation seems remote then find an arbitrator, therapist or church pastor whose opinion both party’s respect.

With tolerance between all parents the ease at which vacations, holidays, special school events, or any plans – can be made or changed is freer of stress and tension. Having all of the ‘parents’ in the lives of our children talking to each other accelerates the healing process for all children and the adults too.

And make no mistake – healing – is what starting over in a blended-family is all about.

Choices…

Much of the behavior issues that arise in blended-families more often than not are the result of the love-struck remarrying parents – dabbling in make believe.

They presume too much with daydream regard for their offspring who have already gone through a tremendous emotional upheaval from the original divorce.

………………….

Imagine if you will starting another typical New Year living with your mother, two cats, two birds, two hamsters, a garter snake in the only neighborhood school district you have ever known, in the only city, province and country you have ever known. Then abruptly eight months later, that same mother [who never dated] remarries, moving you from Alberta – a thousand miles south to Colorado, into another house with three almost virtual strangers.

Though, Canada and the US do speak the same language – sort of. This is what I dropped on my children, straining every ounce of trust and faith they had in me to the limit.

At the ages of 12 and 15 I asked them to leave the only home they had ever known, saying farewell to childhood friends, aunts and uncles and every weekend with their father, and grandparents. Because I too was saying so-long too I truly thought I understood what I was asking of them.

We weren’t doing this just for ‘love’. Keith and I believed we had the maturity, resourcefulness and the strength to give our respective offspring something we were all missing – an opportunity to be part of a fit, functioning family.

Gail and Patrick’s father did not like what was happening at all [my ex-husband and I had joint custody]. But as had become our post-divorce style what was okay for the kids made many of our issues easier to resolve. After he talked with Gail and Patrick alone then had met Keith, and knowing I was willing to let them return if they were unhappy, eased their father’s concerns. Don generously placed no roadblocks in our way for which I was extremely grateful.

But this was still a major emotional leap being asked of two very young people. In my misguided attempt to be fair to my children and their father I asked Gail and Patrick to give this major move a try for a full school year. If at the end of the following May they really did not like Colorado, they could move back to Alberta and live with their father full time. But this offer was still a poor option.

What I had really asked of them was to choose between one of two impossible alternatives! Regardless of which option they made – Alberta or Colorado – they faced the loss of one parent for most of their calendar year.

Imagine once again – starting another typical New Year living with your father, who dated intermittently, but had remained single for the last thirteen years. You and Dad are living quietly. One older brother has moved out on his own, to Denver and one younger brother is getting ready to join this cozy bachelor scene. There are no women, no putting the toilet seat down, no taking your shoes off at the door. Then abruptly eight months later, that same father who avoided all previous long-term entanglements remarries, you’re moved across town into another house with three almost virtual strangers – one of whom will be a new sister!

This folks, is what Keith dropped on his three sons taking them quite by surprise - because Keith and I had been working and living in our respective countries dating long distance. [Then the telephone companies had no calling plans, and the airlines did very well thanks to us for - several months.]

David, Keith’s youngest son got a stepmother, sister and another brother he had never met until after the wedding. Reid, Keith’s eldest had only met me once before the wedding. Paul who came to Calgary, Alberta to assist with the move was the only son who knew any of us remotely.

I babble on about this in some detail because as individuals too often caught up in either tremendous misery or tremendous euphoria, we “know not what we do” to our children.

In truth we ask a lot of our kids, and they strive so very hard not to let us down – even though we may have let them down – because our children love us unconditionally.

·         Strive whenever possible to allow your children a choice;

·         Lead by example, our children learn from us;

·         Be careful that what is ‘best’ for the children isn’t disguised as a personal selfishness;

·         If serious logistical issues of schools, adjustments, jobs or other blocks arise then wait another six or twelve months before remarrying;

·         If by chance an offspring is/was allowed to live like a garden-weed, with little direction or guidelines in the household of an ex-spouse – the new family’s standards – or any structure is not a regime they may take to easily. With that, kids may take out their confusion of the dual-house-values against the new spouse because that zaps both parents in one shot without the child actually required to show any rage to their biological parent directly.   

In original marriages spouses usually have some alone-time before any children arrive, giving time for a honeymoon period. When children come, they are usually added one at a time to the family unit. This natural slow progression allows parenting skills to evolve gradually with the new baby having no memory of their new parent’s blunders.  

Remarrying parents have none of this. There’s no alone time, children arrive as a herd, step-parenting skills are learned under skirmish conditions, with each offspring taking mental notes of every stumble.

Blended parents often take on children who learned to deal with visitations on alternate weekends, or alternate weeks living in two different homes. The holidays of these children and vacations were uncertain with emotional tension, typical. As their weeks turned into months and a pattern of sorts evolved with their time shuffled between mom and dad, the children adjusted, essentially because they had no other option.

Then one or both of their parents remarry…

The blended-family often begins with the new spouse almost a stranger – depending on the time that elapsed between the divorce and second marriage. If the new spouse also has children, the gap for complications just increased – not twofold – but tenfold. And everything is more adjustment all over again.

And its’ usually simple things – like what was once “okay with dad” is not okay with dad’s new wife. Even with everyday regular tasks like: “this is how my mom sets the table”, or “we always did laundry this way” and traditions, “we do this at Christmas” – can spark some surprisingly passionate flare ups.

One week Keith was having his toast and coffee at his usual local café quietly reading a Wall Street Journal. The next week he was wading through several moving boxes searching for a second toaster so he could get breakfast going for two of my offspring and two of his. I was heading down I25 to Denver and Tom’s Wall Street Journal didn’t get picked up until late that afternoon, almost forgotten in his office mailbox.

MY NOTES:

·         There is no magic wand. However, there is magic in perseverance with patience;

·         Focus not so much on getting your new family ‘in-order’. Order comes one bit at a time – five minutes here, twenty minutes there;

·         You will stumble. Do not take that as a sign that your new marriage-family-

blending may not be working. Remember every blended family learns as they go. And if you need to know how long that process takes? It varies. [How long does it take to grow a tree? It seems to be so s-l-o-w, until one day you wake up to discover there’s enough shade for a picnic.]

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