Another - Blended Not Shaken

Blended Family Calendar...

Typically, refrigerators, across North America have become message-central for any house where children reside, that they’ve become almost unrecognizable as an appliance.

In a blended family the fridge is so obscured by notes, reminders and magnets holding everything in place, pilots sometimes complain that navigation over some residential areas affects their aircraft.

The need for up-to-date standard calendars and electronic datebooks covers ohhh so much more than weekly soccer games, Scout meetings, piano lessons, or bridge night.

We hung several calendars and clocks on both floors of our house out of pure anticipated panic…

Our early pattern, if you could call it that was more of a happening than anything else. Blended-families must be aware of dates, as vacations, national holidays, spring breaks, birthdays and all other related time-markers cannot be missed. Most of them are court-ordered – and monitored by ex-spouses with a diminished sense of humor.

Every fall, like farmers harvesting wheat for bread, or barely for cereal – I was out gathering calendars of different sizes, shapes and descriptions for multiple purposes.

When our joint-crew of offspring was younger, our two main seasons were marked by both the traditional and the unconventional. Fall meant school supplies, tuitions, books and contacting airlines for the best Christmas flight pricing for two unaccompanied minors from Denver to Calgary and return.

Due to days off from school, individual holidays and the distances between our-kids and their ‘other’ family members – Gail and Patrick were with us for [American] Thanksgiving, while Paul and David went to either their mother’s or older brother’s home. For Christmas, Paul and David were with us, while Gail and Patrick flew to Alberta.

Spring meant seeing the dentist, looking for summer jobs, registering for summer camps and once again scheduling another Denver to Calgary flight for either Patrick or Gail or both.

Since nearly any office supplier stocks oversized calendars with nice giant-sized squares, I became a fan and showed up early each November to purchase [often] three calendars for the coming year.

With as much advanced information as I could confirm I documented any weekend exchanges, birthdays, vacations, spring-break, bank holidays, school, and sports events, with any other special notations.

Beside the two-foot by three-foot calendar firmly duct taped to the side of our fridge on one floor was a pencil tied with a string and an eraser. [Only the Ten Commandments were written in stone – but in a blended-family everything is usually written in pencil.]

Whatever is decided as far as the shuffling back and forth of our children should not only be noted each month but also executed as simply as possible for them:

·         Visit weekends and times should be printed [uppercase] clearly marked on the custodial and non-custodial parent’s calendar;

·         Make provisions for changes to plans you made that didn’t include your children due to legitimate changes by your ex-spouse;

·         Note times as well and then be on time – or call;

·         Spend energy on solutions – not retaliation or anger...

If divorcing parents live in the same city, then keep the kid-shuffle process as smooth as possible. If at all possible, retaining your child’s original school is important with one or both of the parents relocating their respective homes within walking distance for the kids whenever feasible.

Notes from schools get lost less if parents strive to eliminate any packing for each weekly or bi-weekly exchange. Keeping enough clothing, books, toys and other personal effects in both homes, means that the change of date for a school concert night gets seen by at least one parent.

My ex-husband moved into a three-bedroom condo about twelve city blocks to the east of the school Gail and Patrick both attended. I was able to find a three-bedroom townhouse just two blocks south of their school. The kids and I divided up their clothing and then about a fourth of everything else like their toys, books and music went into the rooms at their dad’s while the majority remained where they spent their week at the townhouse.

That way there was no packing for Dad’s, so they ‘felt’ they lived there too. They had many of their own familiar photos, games, clothing and mementos regardless of where they were. It wasn’t ideal, but it made the transition a lot easier – for them. Rushing home from school on a Friday night with an amended school notice meant it didn’t get forgotten in their haste to ‘pack’ for Dad’s.

Duplicate, calendars with matching notes on those calendars in the houses of each biological parent is important - for our kids. Don’t be petty and ‘hide’ appointments, school or special events from an ex-spouse. That behavior hurts our kids. This was our divorce, but our kids are stuck with it.

Any tug-of-war should have nothing to do with our children – so keep any date conflict problems [if they occur] between the two parties who must resolve the snags.

DO NOT - even dignify any derogatory remarks that may find their way back to you with any response, for date cancellations or changes your children might hear, not even a sigh. Our day-to-day actions will consistently speak louder than any ex-spouse’s slighted words. Martyrdom is not an attractive quality.

If the divorced parents live in different cities, states or countries then juggling dates and visits take cooperation and effort for the adults involved. Again, with consideration for everyone – especially your kids.

It also requires a lot of planning ahead. It takes agreeing on transportation, perhaps even sharing some of those costs, or taking turns. We may need to modify the time we once had. Because of our move my ex-husband was prevented from seeing his kids each weekend, but then had larger blocks of time for Christmas break, spring-break and the summer months.

I still remember my first Christmas without Patrick and Gail then spring and the following summer without them. There was no halo on my head, but the divorce was my decision – not theirs. The move from Alberta was my decision – not theirs. So, when the calendar day for them to leave arrived, I sent them off with a hug and a smile.

The ideal of course is to have the year planned in advance. However, if your ex-spouse is not able to make long term arrangements due to work or health issues then break the year up into quarters: Jan-Mar, Apr-Jun, Jul-Sep, Oct-Dec planning in three-month blocks.

Remind your children of their absent parent’s birthday, Mother’s/Father’s Day – their grandparent’s anniversary or birthday. This regular connection helps to keep all lines of communication open and less inflamed.

After we moved to Colorado from Alberta, the kids called their dad and grandparents each week, but they missed being with their dad on his birthday and he there’s and sometimes Father’s Day.

We had my kids for American Thanksgiving. They flew to Alberta for Christmas, spring-break, most of June-all of July and most of August. Not nearly as good as seeing each other every week, but we all made the best of this new arrangement from the fall-out of the decision Keith and I made to divorce.

Without a divorce, without blending another family with yours – getting through every month can be challenging enough. However – adding either one or both of these two elements to your life weds turmoil to commotion.

*Earth life can be an intense school - with life after divorce an advanced class.

As years pass, offspring grow older and many of the original legal stipulations from a separation or divorce decree are shed. Sometimes this happens as much for the changing needs of the children as for any alterations either parent would choose.

Part-time jobs, or outside high school interests, fulltime jobs and developing college obligations – push and pull between maturing children and parental visitation wishes.

Keep in mind, [before anyone gets worked up insisting, they continue to see their children] that with original intact families these very same children would be doing or wanting to do, or going these very same directions [away from their nest] regardless.

Passing from childhood to adulthood, youth naturally and normally grow away from protective parenting. They begin to enter a more independent mainstream life with other peers who have also left home to work or complete more education, or both.

Fortunately, at that time, we lived in a college town with a nationally ranked university. However, just because the three-remaining offspring [aged 18, 21, 24] still lived with us - didn’t mean they were at home. Their mail came to our address. However, we should have installed a department store style revolving front door.

Keith and I no sooner started to remember one semester of classes and work schedules then it changed. Christmas, spring or summer break would come and go with an altered class schedule that also shifted part-time job hours.

We had three university students, with three jobs and three separate extracurricular interests – off in numerous directions on any given week.

From habit, like a comforting stuffed bear, I still had an oversized calendar taped to one side of the refrigerator. So, I tried color-coding the kids. [Color coding certainly seemed to work for bath towels.]

Patrick [highlighted in green] had a morning class two days each week, came home for lunch then went to work until 10PM on those same days, missing our evening meal.

Gail [highlighted in blue] had classes three full days each week and worked three full days, did not come home for lunch, but was usually home for our evening meal.

David [highlighted in pink–not sure how that happened] stopped working outside of school, had classes every day, all day, was sometimes home for lunch and was always home for our evening meal. [I color-coded Keith in yellow, to track his business travel schedule, which changed as frequently as political promises.]  

With each passing week the squares on that fall calendar soon started to look like a pastel art project taught to a kindergarten class by Picasso

With the New Year, after Christmas break, my ‘green-kid’ increased his class hours to three days a week, came home for lunch on those days reduced his work schedule, but ate a late [leftover] dinner many nights.

My ‘blue-kid’ then reduced her outside work hours to only Saturday, increased her classes to every day, did not come home for lunch, but was at home every night for dinner.

As my ‘pink-kid’ slid closer toward his graduation homestretch, he began to work two mornings each week plus Saturday, was taking classes every afternoon and was present for most evening meals.

“…home again, home again jig-ity-jig…”

The kids had assorted methods of tracking themselves and their obligations.

Gail [blue-kid] carried one of those trendy day-organizers once so popular. She was also the only one of us who knew how to use it effectively. There was no pencil scrawl across the lines on her pages, everything was courageously written neatly in ink. Most of her room was organized too, but the inside of her car reflected a side of her personality that clearly harbored an anarchy gene.

David [pink-kid] managed to keep almost everything in his head. I don’t know how he handled it. But it was all pretty precise, perfectly timed and systematically structured. We had no proof then, but Keith and I suspected he actually input everything into his computer, and it prompted him. Unlike his sister, though, his car was operating-room orderly.

Patrick’s organization [green-kid] shifted with the direction of the wind. His consistency was somewhat unstable. Some areas had improved in that his laundry was always washed, but not necessarily ironed. Many a morning he raced from the house – hair on end – when he slept past an alarm or forgot to set it at all. But when it came to his car there was hardly a speck of dust on the tires! His room, however, was an obstacle course of un-ironed clean clothes, stacks of textbooks and comics beside half eaten bags of chips – strewn in minefield fashion.

Keith, I discovered [after our wedding] was/is both date and time challenged. Prior to meeting me he routinely boarded planes minutes before they closed the passenger loading door. He’s had to rebook real estate meetings that were noted, even circled in his office Day-Timer. But he missed the original appointment time distracted by a phone call, calculating a spreadsheet or someone stopping by his office.

I once tried to use a day-planner, but it didn’t last long. It didn’t fit well into the [right] purse that took me years to find and more often than not I forgot to even look at the darn thing.

I need each of the days in each of my weeks in each of my months ‘glaring’ at me. What I instituted instead was a trilogy of giant calendars. Besides the one on the side of the fridge, I parked one on the wall next to my desk and another on top of my desk in my home-office. The one on the wall was peppered with post-it-notes, in bright colors of ascending importance.

Members of the clan routinely checked the calendar taped to the side of the fridge [while foraging]. However, there were three occasions when my office calendars were out of sync with the kitchen calendar.

When that happened - Gail didn’t know she needed to pick Keith up at the airport, David didn’t know he needed to drop Patrick off to have his wisdom teeth pulled and Keith didn’t know about a July 4^th cake Patrick put in the trunk of his car for someone to collect [before noon]. Ooops…

As blended families go, we weren’t as administratively challenged as some other remarried parents I interviewed. But most weeks we were hard pressed to keep ‘one-step-ahead-of-the-alligators’.

Once your offspring drive – there is still the issue of coordinating vehicles as well as showing up for their organized sports, music or club events. With younger children unable to drive, but actively involved outside of school hours there are some common coordination techniques.

·         Devote a fairly large area of wall in a central location – generally the kitchen – where a large calendar can be pinned to an even larger cork board. It isn’t enough to note events, on a date with a time – often there are permission slips, equipment lists, a request to bring baking or additional pieces of paper with instructions – you do not want to misplace;

·         Regardless of their attitude always ‘copy’ the ex-spouse. If communication is fairly good, perhaps [sometimes] they can take turns driving;

·         It does help to color-code either regular events or each kid or both;

·         With an uninvolved ex-spouse and/or conflicting events and kids, create a carpool or have a backup plan in place. Often there’s a responsible high school senior or college freshman who would like to earn extra cash – driving;

·         Again [one-more-time] do not voice any disappointment or frustration near your children if you have any work/time conflicts or if the other parent can’t come to a child’s event. Instead, be creative;

·         Random glitches are also common for original families too – so take a deep breath then visualize a dish with strawberry shortcake and move on.

MY NOTES…

·         Yes, you will need to get organized. Maybe even reorganized if you are outnumbered by systematically challenged individuals;

·         Often, we’re not disorganized just over committed;

·         In a blended-family if you’re truly living with a daily or weekly schedule that is overloaded – it will show itself. You’ll be able to recognize overload when no one is having fun and/or dread getting ready to go-out yet again to fulfill some other obligation. When that occurs, drop something regardless if you’ve already paid for soccer, swimming, Scouts or piano, etc… If what you or your offspring is doing becomes a chore – then stop – now!

[Amazon Books, Barnes & Noble]