Another - Blended Not Shaken
When The Circus Comes To Town...
In a blended-family, weddings, births, funerals, graduations, holidays and vacations are potentially highly-charged emotional circus-events guaranteed to test a saint. [At least the performers in Barnum & Bailey could rehearse before appearing with caged animals or walking a tightrope. Blended families have no script or rehearsal.]
Normally these are regarded as straightforward, joyous milestones in original families. However in blended-families such events have the ability to cause the past to collide with the present in a rotating cycle of awkward social circumstances that would make the outcome of peace negotiations between Israel and Palestine far more certain.
*With any number of blended-family occasions if, silence-is-golden then pause-is-silver.
I’m not in line for sainthood, but my standard guideline [that took me a few years to polish] is to error on the side of the benign no matter what, even if we must inflict permanent teeth marks in our left arm.
To perfect this when Keith and I were first married, I mentally began each day practicing my delayed-reaction technique. This was my attempt at an Olympic feat of self-control in which I inwardly counted to f-i-v-e before I would outwardly react.
I discovered much to my dismay many times the first few years we were married that I possessed the self-control of – dust. If I had been given ten dollars for each time I never made it beyond one, the house would have been paid for sooner and none of the kids would have needed student loans.
FAMILY WEDDINGS
As testy blended-family spectacles go I have no personal favorites, but the one with the most latent capacity to fray our nerves is when the children of divorced parents announce plans for a traditional wedding!
Who gives away the bride?
What names appear on the announcements and invitations and in what order?
And there are ssso many interesting family combinations at issue – just for the photographer. Are all the parents of the bride and groom speaking to each other? Are the parents remarried to other people? Has one remarried while the other is still single, or is one going through yet another divorce? Who stands beside whom for pictures?
Then there’s the reception. Who sits where? Who dances with whom first? What do you do if your husband’s ex-wife catches the bouquet then you discover from his aunt that his ex-wife has always regretted she divorced the man you’re now married to? See what I mean. The odds of winning in Monte Carlo are better for the players.
Keith and I had been married just two years when his eldest son Reid announced that he and his girlfriend Susan would be getting married the following April.
………
Reid and his fiancée Susan were extremely tuned in and sensitive to the current events in the lives of their respective parents. They took great care to plan a wedding that was truly comfortable for everyone. Susan’s mother was a widow, who would essentially be attending her daughter’s wedding dateless.
Reid’s mother [Keith’s ex-wife] was going through a second divorce, but was bringing a co-worker as her plus-one as well as Reid’s half brother, Lyle.
Keith [Reid’s dad] would be bringing Reid’s new stepmother [me], stepsister and stepbrother.
The photographer danced along a tightrope of ‘family’ groupings that was an impressive diplomatic feat.
Tables at the reception were small, round, with just six chairs at each one scattered around the edge of the dance floor. When the bride and groom finished their solo turn around the floor, the bride headed for Keith and the groom headed for his mother. The bride then handed her new father-in-law to her widowed mother while the groom handed his mother off to dance with his second brother Paul.
**Take a long deep breath and let the event carry itself…
· Whose biological offspring is getting married? Perhaps both father and stepfather can walk the bride to the waiting groom.
· Let the bride and groom take the decision lead. Beyond ensuring the ‘new’ family unit or relationships are respected, stay out of the planning.
· Don’t shoot for special billing just courtesy and consideration. While understanding that may, or may not happen depending on the [emotional] maturity of others with whom you’ll need to come to terms.
· This too shall pass…
GRAND CHILDREN
Okay you made it through a wedding. Then at some point after our various children marry the people they were dating – grandchildren arrive. In one form or another…
In my case when Reid and Susan began to expand their family I was not entirely sure what the role of a step-grandmother was, as existing literature on that subject was as scarce as an undisputed translation of the Dead Sea Scrolls.
By that time [1994] we were overseas, but returned each August and Christmas. Nevertheless being particularly fond of such classics as ‘Cinderella’ and ‘Sleeping Beauty’, I decided to appoint myself unofficial fairy-god-mother creating a place for myself as an emergency ‘net’ in the new grandchild’s life.
But that approach changed in time with the maturing of the rest of our kids, and me. More on grandparent[ing] in a later chapter.
FUNERALS!
Aw yes – and then there’s a funeral or two. The death of a family friend or beloved relative, from one side of the blended-family or the other.
And, because there is a better than even chance the ex-spouse was also close to or knew the deceased, naturally they might not only attend funeral services, but arrive at the family gathering and grave site.
While, historical conversation, circles around your head of memories that do not include you, hang-in-there. The future may very easily turn with your new spouse finding themselves holding a plate of uneaten warm salad and a cup of cold coffee at a memorial service held for a member of your family.
The trick in dealing with the tipsy volley of feeling included then excluded is to liken these family events in the same vein as a tennis match. Sometimes you have the serve and sometimes you don’t. Nothing personal.
Keith grew up in a small farming community in the Midwest, where everyone knew everyone else – or thought they did. When Keith’s cousin died suddenly, his funeral, at which Keith was quickly and easily recognized, was widely attended.
At the after service gathering I was introduced then forgotten, listening to dozens of stories that centered around the deceased and Keith and their shared childhood growing up, school pranks, marrying and so on…
You get the picture. People were not intentionally being rude – and – this is where our ego can get us into trouble. If those around you are not being ‘thoughtless’ then to be fair we must examine our insecurities.
***If it is unsettling to you that your new love interest has a history that does not include you – do not marry someone who is divorced.
GRADUATIONS
To date Keith and I have attended or hosted three high school graduations and three university graduations for our own blended offspring, as well as two high school and one military graduation for grandchildren. We took turns through the years at old home territories which entailed either having ex-spouses in our home or going to theirs.
Like a wedding and a funeral, countless strangers [to you] approach your spouse offering congratulations then reminisce about the days past when the graduating offspring was younger, often including the ex-spouse.
You listen politely, chuckle in the appropriate places – remembering – it is a special day for the offspring and whatever it takes to make that day happy for them, comes first.
Our first high school graduation was for Keith’s youngest son, David, just before he came to live with us. Keith’s ex-wife hosted an open house attended by several people who were directly related to each of her two ex-husbands. This was a very unsettling time for her because she was going through her second divorce.
The next high school graduation a few years later was for Gail, to which her father, Don and his parents [my ex-in-laws] drove from Alberta to attend.
Don’s parents were meeting Keith and several members of his family and seeing the town we moved to for the first time. I will admit that the initial few moments were somewhat awkward for me. I was not a particularly popular person with my ex-in-laws because I had moved their grandchildren 1,000 miles south.
But we greeted everyone with smiles and there was enough young excited energy to keep the general atmosphere light. No one threw plates or accusations and it was all quite civilized.
Our next high school graduation was for Patrick, who while we were overseas for two years had opted to finish his grade eleven and twelve in Alberta.
We attended Patrick’s open house in the home of his father’s new fiancée. Keith and I were two of the first people to arrive. And for about thirty minutes Keith sustained interesting conversation about maintaining antique cars, [Patrick had recently blown up the engine of Don’s 1966 MG.] Keith did this while he sat in the living room with my ex-husband, his fiancée, her two curious young daughters, my ex-in-laws, my two children, and me.
****Listen, if the Middle East is serious about peace negotiations – easy. Just send a small delegation of divorced and remarried couples who have successfully pulled off a number of these public, social events…
A few years more down the road of our life together was David’s college graduation. Our house was filled to capacity with people arriving – what seemed at the time – by the truck load. There were plates of food passing by, strangers introducing themselves then disappearing either outside or to other rooms with cameras flashing.
In that confusion, I was left out of virtually all of the posed ‘family’ photos taken for David by our backyard lilac hedge. So was Gail the stepsister who had asked David to go with her to pick out her first prom dress and so was his stepbrother Patrick.
I had no idea this had even occurred until a week later when David’s mother [Keith’s ex-wife] mailed several copies of the posed photos. In all of the pictures stood the five original members of Keith’s former family plus his ex-wife’s youngest son from her second marriage – as if she and Keith had never divorced.
I think I made it to the count of ‘3’…
It was understandable that David’s mother [Keith’s ex-wife] would forget me. But so it appeared, had my husband forgotten me, and so had David.
For some reason it hadn’t occurred to either of them that perhaps I should be in one or two of the shots. I was baffled that Keith, who usually tuned into such situations even faster than I do – had somehow experienced a ‘brain-burp’.
Just how crucial was it that I was included? Well I was also surprised that David didn’t seem to think of even, Gail or Patrick – so I realized then that obviously there were loyalty issues about which David still needed to resolve.
What I needed to resolve, after [by then] eight years together – was where did I and my children fit into this composition of people?
Gail, Patrick and I had embraced everyone in our new circle whole heartedly – because – we had been emotionally ‘capable’ of doing so. But, maybe not so much at the same level from the other direction?
Just how mistaken had I been as to how much I had come to matter to David? Well, that was my issue…
I resolved it by asking myself: had I done what I had for David because I expected a form of acknowledgement from him in return? Or – had I done what I did through the years because I had openly chosen to?
The question was no sooner asked in my head when I realized the answer. I had made my efforts for David [and Paul] completely of my own free choice. I was then at peace.
I let the manner of how other people conducted themselves to be their concern.
Keith did feel extremely sheepish when he went through the photos and realized on his own that three members of our family had clearly been overlooked.
Just one more saga in: As The Blended-Family Turns
The following year Gail graduated from university. Her father and stepmother, with her grandmother made the trip from Alberta to Colorado once again by car. However, this time they left making hotel arrangements so late there was literally ‘no room at any inn’ for a radius of several hundred miles, due to the number of other simultaneous graduations statewide.
Where did they stay? You wonder, holding your breath.
You’re wrong, but close. My new mother-in-law opened her home to my ex-mother-in-law, ex-husband and his new wife.
There wasn’t just a single graduation day and party – there were four days with several big breakfasts, lunches and dinners all shared together. That l-o-n-g weekend was nothing less than a study in social savoir-faire that would have impressed Pope Frances!
These, graduations, and life events that followed were another facet magnified in a blended-family – more so than in an original-family. Because expending extra emotional energy rebuilding a new family from the parts of an old divorce is quite a test.
And – every family graduation, blended or original is a dual graduation really – part for the offspring and part for the parents.
AND THEN…
At this rewrite – twenty-six years later – our tally reads two married with children of their own, two in long-term relationships with dogs, and one still single with no kids or pets.
Emptying the blended-family nest is a process similar to that of original families. However too often the span of time we have with each blended-offspring can be far shorter.
The range in ages from Keith’s eldest to my youngest was twelve years. With four of our five living with us initially fulltime our days were certainly full enough. But in blended-families [ours too] opportunities to develop strong, trusting and enduring relationships between each new member of the emerging unit can be fractured.
They are fractured by the formative years that were missed. They are fractured by the time it takes to build trust and develop a functional family pattern so everyone feels-at-home. They are fractured by the blocks of time taken away by jobs, visitation with ex-spouses, school and college classes. So much so that when we see each other it can sometimes feel more like a hurried visit with a passing friend than a family gathering.
Since we lived in a town with a nationally recognized university, Keith and I enjoyed more full-years with our kids than most remarrying couples with older offspring. This was possible, [even though our five were either teens or young adults in 1990] because the three youngest lived at home while attending CSU.
A graduation can be like the arrival of a New Year in that it gives not only the graduate, but various other family members an opportunity to reflect on the passage of time and how that time has been used.
The interaction and energy David, Gail, Paul and Patrick brought are missed to this day. Keith and I faced not just what blended-parents’ face, but all parents face – letting go then trusting our offspring will do just fine.
Humans adjust then readjust to constant change on the crest of every life-wave, with every surviving blended-family writing and rewriting their script as they go, for the first time – every time.
THOSE BI-WEEKLY VISITS
Visits, vacations and holidays are another matter because they occur all year, every year. They are not a grin-and bear-it occasional event attended by ex-relatives at which we swipe our brow and let out a sigh when it’s over.
For summer vacations, birthdays, Thanksgiving, the Yule season, New Years, July 1st or July 4th, or Queen Victoria’s birthday etc…we just get through one round when it seems we must debate or negotiate and juggle all over again.
If you added the stress of a major move of some distance then the effort to keep your wits functional should earn remarrying parents a medal for ‘uncommon-valor’ under domestic battlefield conditions. [At least it feels that way.]
A friend suggested the technique of taking a deep breath to regain my calm each time we face incidents that threatened to peel away the protective coating over my nerves. Perhaps I was doing it wrong – but it made me feel like I spent a great deal of time trying not to hyperventilate.
****Divorce tests us as grownups constantly – but remarrying with children tests our soul.
Regardless of shared or sole custody, by the grace of good sense, the ideal is to strive for win-win harmony as we too wish to be treated – which more often than not, is a Walt Disney ending…
With bi-weekly, weekly or monthly visits, if you’re dealing with a scatterbrain ex-spouse, or someone who is deliberate, try not to hit the redial button for your attorney. Meet with a church pastor, school counselor, or principal or family therapist for direction.
Before that try diligently to think through the source of any upsetting ex-spouse behavior and devise a change in how you respond.
Don’t just react – think. One man often caught off guard by his ex-wife adopted a standard reply, “Well, let me give that some thought and I’ll get back you to tomorrow.”
Remember it’s for the kids. Ex-spouses who communicate at least on a civil level give their children an important sense of security.
………
Christine lived in Cheyenne, Wyoming with her two daughters from a previous marriage. The girls saw their dad each weekend, from Friday after school to Sunday after dinner - when he remembered.
Eighteen months after her divorce Christine remarried Jake who had two boys from his first marriage, he was allowed to see every other weekend until his ex-wife Carol moved to Billings, Montana to marry Rick. After that Jake saw them once every month or two.
Rick was eight years younger than Carol, had never been married before, and had no children of his own.
Jake’s ex-wife Carol decided she would have a third child so her new husband could experience fatherhood too. Carol and Rick chose a midwife/water style birth, and they wanted Carol’s two boys from her first marriage to share in the birthing experience. The new baby was due late July.
Christine and Jake arranged to spend two weeks in a rented motor home. They planned to tour the surrounding states, the last week of June and first week of July with Christine’s two girls and Jakes two boys.
With everything loaded in the rented motor home they drove west for Utah. They were gone only three days when they were stopped by Utah State Patrol. They relayed an urgent message from Christine’s mother in Cheyenne that Jake’s ex-wife had gone into premature labor.
They turned around arriving in Billings only to discover it was a false alarm. They parked overnight in Carol and Rick’s driveway with plans to leave again in the morning. Then Carol went into labor again.
The midwife rushed over with her pool. Jake, Christine and the four kids hurried to move family room furniture aside while Rick and the midwife set up and filled the pool with water. Twelve hours and unexpected complications later, Carol was still only slightly dilated and rushed to the hospital by ambulance for an emergency C-section. Still at the Billings house Jake, Christine and the four kids mopped up water that had leaked from the hastily erected birthing pool.
The following day the boys saw their new baby sister and the six waylaid travelers resumed what was left of their holiday.
*****I might as well tell you now – if you haven’t already figured it out – when you remarry your family-circle will more than double.
And I repeat myself, but always remember our children did not have any choice in the divorce so as much as possible the ensuing days, months and years should be as seamless for them as we can make it.
We may feel relieved to be divorced, but our children feel as if they were dropped through the floor.
VACATIONS
Planes, trains, automobiles and the blended family is a true contest.
For a restful experience the word ‘mix’ in combination with children and vacations does not translate well at the best of times, but in blended families it can be cause for immediate admission to the nearest sanitarium.
Delayed flights merged with tired and hungry children can swiftly cause an entire breakdown of every patient resolve you have ever had, to occur with about the same sudden trajectory as that of a balloon darting about – losing its air.
But even before you ‘start’ – given your ultimate destination and possible ‘route’ you plan to take – get an idea ‘what’ each family member would like to do/see in advance. Regardless of what/where/how is finally decided, if everyone feels their ideas were taken into consideration then any objections to the final plan in general may be reduced. [I say ‘reduced’.]
As a general rule-of-thumb ‘mornings’ find most of us fresher and well rested for travel, major outings or sightseeing allowing everyone to enjoy and accomplish so much more. Saving afternoons from 2PM on, for calm family time allows everyone to recuperate.
If you live in the same city as your children, or better still your children live with you most of the time, wonderful. Then ‘assembling’ all relevant parties together at the same time, on the same date is one less cause for soap-opera style drama.
On the other hand, if you must transport or travel to one or more [sets of] offspring from other locations first – then your anticipated vacation can take on water faster that the Poseidon. If your children are under the age of twelve then I suggest you travel to them, making your vacation destination close to their fulltime home.
· Advance Planning: means giving major holidays like summer vacation, Christmas, Thanksgiving and/or Spring Break a minimum of a three month start;
· Clear all specific times and dates with an ex-spouse: means in writing. Do this with a fax, email or letter, requesting a written acknowledgement in return. If communication between all ex-spouses is cordial, great. If not then you may need to do more than organize your sightseeing agenda – you may need to take on additional tasks your ‘ex’ should do, such as buying the kids new swimsuits etc...
· Make all reservations [travel & accommodations] with cancellation options/insurance: means if one of the kids or you get sick, or an ex-spouse causes delays either by accident or design your covered;
· Anticipate possible glitches: means should your offspring require regular medication [diabetes, CF, allergies, special eye ware] have an extra copy of their prescription with you, both at home and on your vacation. Have your family doctor or your children’s doctor assist in providing you with the name of a physician located where you plan to travel, just in case. Weather is another factor, so ask ‘what if’ and plan backup activities or outings;
· Lay some ground rules in a preholiday meeting with all vacationers: means discussing the behavior you expect. If there hasn’t been a pattern of visits or routine contact between your new spouse’s kids and yours then pour gasoline on one of your flowerbeds and light a match. Because, that is likely to cause much less [nerve] damage than throwing young strangers together. Try to spend some time together in the weeks prior to your major holiday;
· For Children under four years-old a ‘stay-cation’ is so much easier: means for babies and preschoolers who don’t have a great deal of travel stamina and won’t remember much if anything of the sights then time with you, reading, coloring, playing in a backyard wading pool, etc…is really what they need;
· Be spare with the amount of luggage you take: means too many bags combined with many other possible travel hitches can make for the proverbial last-straw. Try one carry-able bag per person, with one small backpack carried by one or both parents for snacks, drinks, a book, deck of cards, maps, band-aids etc... Again, if any of the kids you are traveling with cannot look after their own gear, they maybe too young for the vacation you planned. Even children from 5 to 7 have limited patience and endurance.
Air Travel can be a mixed blessing for all of us. It can get you from point ‘A’ to point ‘B’ fast, but it can be affected by weather, employee strikes, bankruptcy, or the whimsy of an ex-spouse, or two. Flying can also create airsickness or earaches in at least one of your children. It will also test your creativity coaxing one or more of your children to eat the mystery-meals most airlines serve – when they serve them on long distance flights.
When flying expect there are never enough window seats to correspond to the number of your kids who insist on sitting by one, but you can always rotate a kid or two. And chances are high you have already seen the in-flight movie. Turbulence will hit – or your child [by the window] will need to go to the lavatory, only after you and the complete stranger beside you in the aisle seat, have just received drinks or food...
Do yourself a tremendous favor if you have any children under the age of seven - reconsider. Very young children do not deal well with long term confinement in small places. They do not keep their food down well. Their ears are more sensitive to cabin pressure. They are sponges for every germ and virus in the universe – and – if your fight[s] are delayed…well…I think you can finish where I’m going with that on your own.
Having said so much warm and fuzzy stuff – if time is not on your side for a leisurely transition from where you are to where you wish to vacation then air transport is an obvious bite-the-bullet choice.
Train Travel is not a typical choice as a vacation option for getting from home to holiday in North America as it is in the UK and Europe. Yet in reality for a family, rail travel can not only be the means of getting to a destination, the train itself can be part of the vacation attraction.
Except for luggage – which despite our best efforts appears to almost ‘divide-and-multiply’ – family members have more freedom to move around, without losing altitude. The rocking motion of the moving train may create a slight challenge for walking without a stagger or coordinating a successful butt-plant in the lavatory, however those issues are quite minor.
Keep in mind though passenger train trips require advance bookings just as airlines do. So, if there is an erratic or combative relationship between any ex-spouses, be sure you know what choices you have with reservation changes, or cancellations.
The Automobile, for touchy unpredictable schedules, [or ex-relationships] your personal vehicle may be the most logical mode of travel.
Having said that, if you’re ‘blending’ diverse age groups, or offspring who only see each other every other weekend or less then consider:
· Select a destination of interest in your home state, county or province no farther away than two hours travel time. For most kids - under the age of 16 every thirty minute span of real time - is their equivalent of two hours…
· If you’re travelling a greater distance with more than two offspring who are young and/or do not know each other well – consider renting a minivan or vacation vehicle. You will be thankful for the additional ‘space’;
· Plan for frequent stops every two hours, at points of interest or for snacks if your destination is several hundred miles away;
· Play ‘musical-seats’ driving, flying or on a train. By this I mean give some thought to kid/parent seat swapping during the trip. For long flights, driving or train trips changing places is not only advantageous for spending stretches with different kids it breaks up the time.
Keep some of these ideas in mind or you may experience a minor ‘mob-revolt’.
Hotel and Motel accommodations are not a detail you want to ‘wing’ while on the road with a family. With a blended family no place to sleep is a fatal miscalculation guaranteed to siphon everyone’s nerves.
A simple way to calculate the location of the next night’s stop is to check 150 to 175 miles ahead on a map, then make a reservation for the following night from the hotel where you’re presently staying.
If your yearly schedule is limited and visits with your kids restricted, for blended families there is a temptation to place too much emphasis on the ‘big’ vacation. Trying to cram too much activity into a week or two – or even an entire summer can create expectation and strain that doesn’t need to develop. Days spent going for a simple ice cream, miniature golf or a movie can be just as memorable and enriching as a packed two weeks in a crowded, noisy theme-park.
MY NOTES…
· Regardless of what you decide – don’t feel you need to ‘fill’ each day with ‘something’
· Relax - Have ‘fun’- Laugh
· Your holiday/vacation is a gift, cherish it
· Don’t get caught up in created nerve-storms over movie deadlines, lost sandals, wet towels on the floor, sand in the bathtub, half finished soda, beds not made… Silly stuff that shouldn’t stir nerves into a frenzy
· On vacation nearly everything should be ‘adjustable’
· See weddings, funerals and other extended family gatherings as an opportunity to meet more of your new spouses’ family and old friends
[Amazon Books, Barnes & Noble]