Another - Blended Not Shaken

The Big "D" - Discipline...

My view on this entire subject is that it would be far less stressful [and take much less time] learning to balance a sword point on the end of your nose, while juggling flaming torches and spinning hoops on one leg...

Learning to balance discipline among children in a blended family will qualify you to negotiate any peace talks between any nation on Planet Earth.

Addressing so many of the unique ‘family’ issues in the blended-family arena, I still see as an emerging field of study by counseling professionals. The division of theories on exercising discipline and authority by stepparents is rather ‘wide’.

My research indicated that a majority of therapists are taking ‘cover’ under the umbrella: biological parent assumes lead discipline for biological child[ren]. On the flip side is a smaller group of psychologists who advocate that with the “I do” – comes the right for either parent to: send any kid to their room when indicated – right out of the wedding gate.

The weakness with both schools of thought is that each attempts to be a one-size-fits-all approach when there are several volatile variables [with sub-factors] rolling around like loose cannons on the deck of the blended-family ship.

First off - there must be sufficient time allowed to evolve between each child and the new co-parent.

Our children are amazingly forgiving and adaptable, but they aren’t Playdoh. Initially we may be seen as a threat on some level. Not consciously, but for many children [of divorce] always remember that fear [even ours] manifests itself in some surprising behavior.

Our offspring may retreat or go for the attack when they don’t feel they have any control, or any say.

Our kids had no control with the initial divorce then no say with this next marriage. So, we must pardon our children if they are somewhat skeptical.

·         How long have children and new stepparent known each other? There must exist, a level of trust and respect earned over time to exact any authority over a stepchild. Effective and successful schoolteachers confirm over and over how critical it is to give respect in order to get respect.

·         How recent was the divorce between the original parents? Look at the elements of the original marriage/divorce that might cause potential suspicion or even open hostility in the offspring whose approval we seek.

In Dream-Land, the first marriage was a simple drifting apart and the divorce was fairly amicable – and – it has been at least a year since the children’s lives were shaken by that divorce. Back On-Earth there was a divorce with cause from one side or the other, hostility still flares, the kid’s emotions remain raw, and the object of your new attention is dating you – to escape!

·         What are the issues of the non-resident biological parent, versus the custodial biological parent? The non-resident biological parent may object to an equal level of discipline just for the sake of objecting, or they may sincerely worry about the new stepparent’s discipline approach. [Just ask a family court judge, any one at random, how many volumes they have on that issue alone.]

·         What is the age of the children and how many children will be brought together? Generally younger children are far more pliable to adult authority so a second mother or father is often just one more grownup they must obey. But that cannot be taken for granted either. The walls of several blended-households still resonate with the echo of: “I don’t have to listen you! You’re not my dad/mom!” Effectively sending all of the benevolent ‘intentions’ of numerous stepparents, spread all over the floor like a dropped egg.

Sometimes young children [three to nine] only appear to be complying to specific discipline then acting-out their objections in other ways like: ‘bad-dreams’, bedwetting, aggression at school or daycare, poor appetite, destruction of personal property or the property [toys] of others…the list is fairly extensive.

For older offspring [ten to eighteen] if they have not developed respect for the place adults hold [teachers, store clerks, police, etc…] in their life then the step-parenting challenge is pretty hefty.

**The emotional state of some offspring, at the time you as new-parent join the picture may be such that you may want to seek professional guidance from someone who specialized in this area of counseling ‘before’ the marriage or ‘very’ soon after.

And you’re the one who goes for counseling if you can’t take the kid. In this way as a co-parenting adult, you get some training to deal with this type of emotional grenade more effectively – without making a shaky situation worse.

One of the most difficult positions stepparents face is inadvertently ‘adding more salt to the stew pot’ of historical, biological parenting that was neither positive nor enriching. That ‘salt’ may have been due either to the original divorce and life there after or due to ineffective parenting in general.

Regardless of the source or history, stepparents inherit the entire package. It all comes with our kids.

If you feel unsure and suspect you may need to acquire supplementary parenting skills – by all means seek out a respected school counselor, church pastor, or youth therapist who can steer you to classes, group sessions, or one on one support.

And always remember the colossal emotional adjustment that our divorce forces our children to deal with – often with little or no warning.

My children went from a life with mom home full time to mom working in an office every day. They went from coming home to greet me after school, able to share their day and the smells of dinner started – to greeting their two cats and learning to start dinner for the three of us on their own.

·         Who lives in the new family household full time, or half time, or visits on weekends and vacations only? If children are shunted between cities, or states for summers, spring break and holidays – or spend half time at mom’s with the other half at dad’s – or every other weekend with a noncustodial parent there is every chance of additional turmoil for your kids as they cope with varied guidelines in two households. This puts our offspring between the classic ‘rock-and-hard-place’ as their numerous parents [father/stepmother…mother/stepfather] may approach so many aspects of their life from literally four different perspectives.

Therefore blended-family guidelines should be kept simple, consistent and realistic and apply to parents as well:

·         Consider everyone who lives in the house – part time or full time;

·         Keep personal space [bedroom] tidy[ish];

·         Everyone picks up after themselves;

·         Set regular homework time and time for assigned chores;

·         Encourage one school, or outside interest/activity that other family members may share as either a spectator or participant;

·         Everyone phones home or leaves a note to let the family know where they are, or where they’re going.

When our blended family is forming [right after those delightful discussions on how our finances will be handled] comes the setting and implementation of how everyone will strive to get along.

Sorry - you thought remarrying would be romantic? Ha! Gardening is more romantic and deploying a space shuttle takes less energy.

·         No Physical Punishment – None. Try not to become defensive about what I am going to say next because this is a learning opportunity. But I agree with Dr. Bradshaw’s contention that: “any physical punishment gives ‘permission’ to perpetuate physically applied force as a solution instead of using our ability to reason.”

Aw yes, the argument that we cannot reason with a one or a two-year-old… Well think about that for thirty-seconds. Why would we ‘punish’ a toddler? And a one-year-old is still a b-a-b-y!

Most of the time those under the age of three cry when they’re: cutting teeth/molars, they’re tired, hungry or coming down with something – none of which is punishable conduct.

If there is no capacity to reason, then babies/toddlers do not have the capacity to plot to be ‘bad’. Then the ability to be deliberate is narrowed to those who have the ability to reason, which limits the field of true offenders to those with full command of their birth language.  

And, then if offspring over the age of three have language and reason then we can reach them using language and reason - without hitting.

Hitting is one of the least effective forms of discipline because it creates a level of fear and teaches nothing. Even a low-level pattern of fear plants a seed of future avoidance. As our children grow older fear of retaliation blocks them from coming to us or confiding in us just when they may need our guidance the most.

Teaching allows for the consequences of a deliberate act [totally separate from something accidental] which offers punishment that ‘fits’ the crime [so-to-speak].

When a form of punishment teaches there is a lifelong lesson learned. A lesson may force our offspring to forfeit something they value that helps them to comprehend their mistake. This also forces us as parents [their life-coaches] to be fair, consistent and follow through. Too many kids of divorce grow up angry, some even violent, insolent, directionless, with a weak self-image making them vulnerable to bullies or becoming a bully.

·         No Yelling-No Name Calling-No Swearing – None. No one hears us if we get in their face and yell. They shut down. Yelling at kids gets tuned out faster than a math lecture. Yelling only insults and shames the object of our raised octave level and sends our blood pressure soaring.

It’s also disturbing to realize we don’t ‘speak’ English much anymore. Far too many of our language patterns are punctuated with words far worse than those my mother once washed my mouth out for using. We use so few adjectives – we just curse. Sadly four-letter-words have become so commonplace that screen writers actually think foul language is dialogue. From where do you think your four-year-old heard that/those words?

·         Coming To Your Bed: there are two very split thoughts on this issue with my proposal somewhere in the middle. When our very scared, very uncertain offspring [under the age of six] appear at your bedside, cuddle and visit for a few minutes, which should help to determine the source of their anxiety. The stepparent too can give the little one a hug and a kiss – then the biological parent can carry them back to their room.

Now do not rush this and be very patient, because every young child displays their unique version of what may be bothering them.

Back in their room, don’t just ‘plunk’ them into bed, turn out the lights and leave. Take the time to tuck them in and sit for a few minutes with them. Tell them their visit was nice, but morning is better because everyone is tired at night. Let them pick out a storybook they could bring to your bed in the morning. Place the chosen book at the end of their bed.

If you and your new spouse have moved to a different house, then two nightlights in the design of characters the young child chooses may also help.

By encouraging a morning story-time [perhaps getting everyone involved even older kids] their nocturnal fears diminish.

And when I say include the older ones, that is exactly what I mean. Our younger three at home were in their teens, junior high and high school. Sometimes, two or all three bounded in on us to visit after a date, or movie out with friends, or to get us moving faster in the morning on weekends.

They took up a great deal of space and often fought over the Sunday comic section of the local paper. I don’t know if there is a bed larger than king-size, however it still would not have held all of us safely from all those swinging elbows…

·         Walk In My Shoes: if we never learn anything ourselves and if we never give anything else to our offspring – the ability to comprehend the point of view of someone else is a biggie. With the ability to consider how we would feel under similar circumstances then teach empathy to our children, learning to ‘see’ someone else’s perspective – our culture will have scaled an incredible social peak.

PRE-SCHOOL CHILDREN

·         Attention-Tantrums come from two sources - frustration and helplessness with the young child’s inability to communicate those feelings.

Once when Gail was a few months from her third birthday she flew into a rage over a bag of miniature marshmallows I had put into our grocery cart. She wanted me to open the bag for her immediately so she could have a treat right then. I said no, that she could have her treat after lunch at home.

Bingo! She was off with a blood curdling scream. I was startled because Gail had never acted like that before. I told her to stop, or I’d take her to the car. But she carried on as if I had poked her with a pin.

I pushed my grocery cart to the front of the store with my 30-month-old daughter wailing in the child seat. I alerted the nearest clerk that I would be right back, fastened Gail in her car seat returned to the clerk to give her my name and phone number then – drove home.

It was Gail’s turn to be surprised when I called our high school aged babysitter. With the sitter in place, I made quite a ceremony of leaving the house to finish shopping for our groceries again – but without her. When I returned there was no miniature marshmallows in any of the bags.

That was a simple ‘cause & effect’ lesson even for someone not quite three to ‘get’. But to avoid as many of those as possible with children under the age of four here’s a few more tips.

·         Do not make them walk very far, for very long;

·         Plan outings in the morning after they have been fed and are rested from a good night sleep;

·         If you must go out in the afternoon wait until after their nap;

·         Always carry snacks like: a banana, small boxes of raisins, animal crackers, or sliced apple with water. Small cans of apple juice still taste good even when warm.

When divorce causes changes in a few short weeks or months and young children are moved abruptly from familiar surroundings to strange settings then moved again due to a new relationship - they feel insecure. But very young children are not always able to verbally express it. Without adequate verbal skills they may certainly act-out feelings of helplessness in various forms of aggression.

To help dilute this somewhat allow them choices whenever possible:

·         Don’t just make them lunch let them ‘choose’ either soup or a type of sandwich;

·         For a snack let them ‘choose’ a fruit;

·         Don’t just dress them pull out two outfits appropriate for the weather and let them ‘choose’ which one they want to wear;

·         At bedtime let them choose two or three books to read.

Make sure that certain [former] routines are kept along with their bed, bedroom furniture and toys etc… Watch family shows only on television but limit the time they spend alone with television.

If aggressive behavior continues first quietly look at the solitary parenting style of your ex-spouse. Perhaps your toddler or preschool child is reacting to problems occurring in the household of their ‘other’ parent - for which you may need professional assistance.

Second, look in your pantry. In a country where there is plenty to eat our nutritional level is still poor. We have come to rely too heavily on prepackaged food that contain high salt, high sugar, food dyes, additives and preservatives and ‘ingredients’ no one who doesn’t have a PhD in chemistry can pronounce.

Toss out those toaster tarts, frozen snacks, along with all the pink, yellow and green stuff hyped as ‘cereal’.

There is no fast-food – faster than fresh fruit. A banana will ‘travel’ easily as the kids run for the school bus. An apple won’t leave crumbs on your suit for your morning commute. Have a family pajama-get-together each night to make bag lunches for the following day.

And drum roll please - for at least four of the seven nights prepare your meals at home as a team. I have a cookbook I will take with me to my grave titled: Meals In Minutes, published by Better Homes & Gardens.

Third, take at least six months [more if needed] to s-l-o-w the pace of your days, so you and your new spouse may spend one on one time with, not just the aggressive little ‘tiger’ in the house, but everyone. As a new routine settles in with no more changes a feeling of security should return to your baby, toddler or preschooler.

*The only living entity we can share our homes with that doesn’t need daily attention is a cactus. Everything else requires regular, ongoing effort…

ELEMENTARY AGE CHILDREN/PRE TEEN:

If theft [over twenty dollars or valuables] occurs from a parent or stepparent’s wallet there could be a submerged resentment that needs to be addressed quickly and calmly for which you might want to seek professional guidance.

If something minor is taken and you determine it was on impulse or part of a youthful dare, then your approach could be kept in-house. Often removing something of value belonging to your child is a sufficient lesson. A few weeks later you may consider returning the confiscated item as a surprise to your child – then discuss how they felt at the loss of what they valued.

If a child takes from another sibling, then the offender owes the ‘victim’ an apology along with replacing what was taken, plus. For example: if five dollars is taken then the original five dollars [earned by doing extra yard or household chores for a specified time] plus five more, is quite effective. If an item is taken such as a book, tape, clothing, CD etc…then that object returned [if possible] or replaced by a new purchase of a similar item to the original owner – sends a lasting message. And how parents handle this provides a lesson to both siblings.

A regular allowance of some kind is a good idea to teach money management ‘saving and spending’ at any age. In that way if your offspring place themselves in an ethics-vice they can earn extra funds to address their laps in judgment.

If a theft occurs outside your home-circle, please do not jump to either defend or blame your offspring. Rushing in makes what the child is accused of worse. Get facts first. Talk to your child calmly.

I know – this can be embarrassing. We feel it reflects on us, and it will, but only if we handle the situation poorly.

If we’re too quick to take the side of our child, then our actions sets up a justification-mode in the mind of our offspring. Parents seeking to ‘rescue’ the situation, can handicap a child from accepting responsibility for their actions for their entire future.

If on the flip side parents are too quick to assume our child is indeed guilty of what they have been accused – then a serious trust barrier is threatened. Without establishing facts first your child feels your lack of confidence in them which makes them reluctant to come to you with any problem in later years.

·         If your circumstance is one party’s word against another [even another adult] strive to strike a compromise based on that – whereby your child must earn part or half of the replacement value of what was damaged/taken;

·         If it is clear that your child did take property belonging to someone else, then an apology with full restitution is the only resolution.

The odd aspect of disrespectful behavior is that we must truly look at our own behavior first. Could it be that the young ‘sponges’ we bring into this world and raise are mirroring what they see of us?

·         Are we respectful of others?

·         Do we talk down about neighbors, fellow employees, bosses, friends or family members?

·         How do we talk to our children?

·         Are we treating them and their needs courteously?

·         Do we always say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’?

Lying is a biggie and all too often our children witness this pattern in the adult world every day. The news, reports [tolerated] dishonesty in all levels of commerce and government.  And our kids witness the same close to home. Example: the phone rings, your child answers and you say, “Tell so-and-so I’m not home yet,” or “I’m busy,” etc…

With this one we should make distinctions for our kids at a young age while their filter system is still developing. KIND-LIES are those we tell others to spare someone’s feelings and are the only forms of dishonesty our society should tolerate. MEAN-LIES are those we tell for selfish reasons and the very lies our society needs stop tolerating.

Our children must learn that in the long-run when someone lies for selfish reasons, they lose whatever it is they [think] they have gained as a result of that deception. History is packed with ready examples of people falling from high places because of weak ethics.

Any vandalism or destruction of property belonging to others should be dealt with by actively involving the offender with the full restoration of that same property. I’m talking good-old-fashioned elbow grease.

·         If your child spray paints someone’s fence, home, or property then they must spend their weekends repainting that fence, siding, garden shed etc… If it’s a vehicle, then paying for restoration and chores at the auto shop could be their lesson;

·         If your child damages someone’s flowerbed or garden then they need to spend the time it takes to clean up the mess and replant the foliage;

·         If they break a window then they must work to earn the money to replace the window.

With children ages six to eleven [or twelve] we strive for a punishment that fits their offense – not too much and certainly not too little.

Animal cruelty is well beyond me and most parents. If you witness this behavior or this behavior is reported to you by a respected source – seek professional help immediately. Any child/stepchild acting out in this way has feelings of deep self-loathing, and you are going to require considerable assistance to identify the source of their rage to save this young person.

TEEN-MIDDLE GRADE & HIGH SCHOOL

As the new-parent of one or more in this age group don’t automatically panic – these can be incredibly enriching relationships.

Youth will ‘test’ us. This is good. They poke at our fixed routines and question why we do what we do - the way we do it.

If we provide a relatively balanced healthy atmosphere, then our offspring are supposed to explore and question. If every generation complied without doubt, then change or improvements for the Homosapien would have stopped with fire and the wheel.

Embrace honest questioning. It shouldn’t necessarily be taken as rudeness or disrespect. It could be an opportunity for parents to reevaluate a few entrenched patterns that maybe more habit than logic.

·         If you are experiencing mood swings the source maybe a biological imbalance. When adolescent bodies go through puberty – every cell is on chemistry overloaded one moment then depleted the next. Often our preteens and teens can’t even explain why they just said what they said, or did what they just did, so they can become defensive in their confusion. 

·         If, however, you experience blatant defiance the source maybe an old unresolved emotional imbalance, bullying, alcohol, or drug abuse. Regardless of the source, [even if you’re in the medical field] please speak with a school counselor for the recommendation of a therapist who specializes in adolescents.

As I’ve mentioned before [I deliberately repeat myself often] no one hears us when we yell. We’re not allowed to and it’s unprofessional, to raise our voice in anger at staff or associates at work. Yelling is insulting and it shames the target of our ear-piercing clatter. Shouting at the young people we brought into the world does exactly the same.

MY NOTES…

·         Our authority between and among blended-siblings should be fair;

·         We must walk our talk Even young children recognize hypocrisy – they have no word for it, but they know it;

·         Praise even the smallest of victories;

·         Participate in at least one of each offspring’s interests. Show up as regularly as possible so all kids know you care;

·         Look for ways to ‘teach’ lessons with issues between blended-siblings;

·         Since it is a given that children in original families experience occasional conflicts – know that it will likely happen in your blended-family too;

·         Initially, even slightly flawed parenting becomes magnified in a blended family [like everything else] so approach squabbling kids in 2^nd gear rather than Over-Drive.

[Amazon Books, Barnes & Noble]